Oli Sykes going deeper ;D

Holy shit, where have I been.. Well, I last posted on the 24th of August, I believe. Since then, let's see. M and I haven't gone anywhere. I'm not sure he's that into me afterall. I'm back to 127.4. But I'm starting my two-week cran-cleanse today so, hopefully I'll shed a couple within the next fourteen days.
I have to be skinny by Halloween. I have to. I deserve a slutty Halloween costume, I swear. I got a job. It's at a pizza place. I kinda hate it, but hey, it's money, right?
I don't really know why I'm typing right now. I can feel my eating disorder consuming me. I can feel myself going deeper and deeper, and pretty soon, I don't know if I'll be able to recover. I'm not sure I want to recover. It's not that I like having an eating disorder. I'm just addicted to losing, addicted to the stress, in a way. I'm addicted to the rush of getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Finally having complete control over something.
My body is mine, I can do what I want to it. I want to have long wavy hair. I want to wake up in my undies and hop on the scale, and see 114. I want to slip into some skinny jeans, and throw on a baggy lose band tee. Skip in front of my mirror, and brush on some powder, sweep on some mascara, and smudge on some lipstick. Brush my wavey hair a little, pick up my messenger bag and skip off to school...
That's all I fucking want.
I want to come home from work, strip down, pull on some fishnets, booty shorts, a sparkley bralet and about 5 million bracelets. Throw on some fairy wings, sparley eye shaddow and cat whiskers. Get in the car and drive to a rave and party til I pass out...drink til I'm dead. Dance all night til I can't feel my legs....party til we pass out.. drink til we're dead... DANCE ALL FUCKING NIIIIIIIIIGHGHTHTHHAJHDKAJHFDK... you know that song..? no? ..oh.
Go to the thinspo tab. Go.. you went? You saw? that's what I fucking want.

Lucy Fry

Last night, my friend came over. His name starts with an M, too, sooo... We're calling him M. I didn't like like him when I first met him, but now I think I like like him... Oh and we had sex. In my jacuzzi. While my mom was sleeping. Yeah. I really like him. And he really likes me. So we'll keep dating but, I can't call him my boyfriend yet. But I'm really happy.
He wants to bake with me. He wants to cook me a dinner and then bake a fantastic desert together. He's talking about Red Velvet Cake Balls and Lemon Squares and (brace yourself) CHOCOLATE MAYONAISE CAKE. 0.0 Is that not the freakiest thing you've ever red? I want to THROW UP just looking at the name of it, oh my god. I'll bake with him, but I wont eat anything.
Speaking of baking and not eating, I baked an entire batch of cookies yesterday. Now, I'm going to be honest to you, loves, I did taste things here and there... And I might have had one cookie. But that's FAR LESS than I did before. Far less. I am very proud of myself. Furthermore, the deliciously looking freshly-baked cookies are sitting out on the kitchen counter as we speak, and I have not touched one. Not one :)
I am so proud of myself. I just go out to get water and my dailey meal of 1 rice cake and three pickles and I don't touch them :) You have no idea how good I feel about that.
Oh, I have found a new thinspo. Lucy Fry.

DOZ COLLARBONEZ. Oh lawd.

 

She's absolutely perfect. Look at her. I saw her on TV and that's what made me not get a cookie so, thank you, Lucy Fry. 

124. punk.bitches.

I am...so ridiculously happy to be back under 125. Hopefully, by the end of this week, I'll be at least 120. BRING IT ON. I'm sticking to the "Secret Between Friends" diet for now. I need more pro ana. I need it. I'm becoming obsessed with it. I'm looking up thinspo upon thinspo upon Ana Doc upon Ana Doc. To the point where I'm getting pissed because I've seen basically all of them. Like omfg why can't they make more.
It's so strange that I went into this rationally. I was one of those stupid annoying bitches that was all up on the interwebz sayin' "i W4NN4 B3 4N4 LOLZ G!MM3 Pr0-4N4 t!pz plzzzzz!!" Well, I mean.. I didn't start off thinking I was being rational. I didn't start off as just another dieter. I researched Anorexia. Thuroughly. I researched tips and starting up. I WANTED to be anorexic. How sick is that. How disgusting was I. I'm one of those horrid girls on tumblr giving out tips and looking for Ana buddies and accepting this as a lifestyle, not a disease. I glorify it. I love my eating disorder. Curse me. Shame on me. But I love it. I love being weak. I love blacking out. I love losing weight. I love having a terrible secret.
I am Pro-Ana. For myself. I don't know. I don't want other girls to feel this way. I don't want other girls to starve. I know what I'm doing to myself is wrong... But, at the same time, if one of you asked my for advice on how to starve or purge or hide things... I'd help you. Because I don't want to be a hypocrite.

Fuck. I'm evil. I am evil. I hate this disorder because I love it. I hate this disorder because I want to perfect it. I want a perfect my eating disorder so badly. I want perfect bones. I want to be thinspiration.
I want my boyfriend to become protective of me because of how fragile I am. I want to make people sad. And evious. I want to be as light as a feather. I want to walk down a street knowing I'm the thinnest girl there. I want to be the smallest girl at work. I want to be weak and vulnerable.

watch me. I'll get there.

Watching Fat People Sneeze is HILARIOUS.

THIS. DIET. ROCKS. I know it's only been two days, but I went from 127 to 125.5 in two days!! I'm only 4.5 pounds away from my second goal weight of 120!! I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday I was trying to get into my classes for college. Hard as FUCK. There are like 30 people waiting for each class. Ridiculous. But, anyway, TODAAAY I finally got my add code to get into a Guidance 101 class... which is basically "How to Start Out in College and NOT Become a Huge Freshman Fuck-Up and Dishonor Your Entire Family for Eternity...101."
As far as Ana goes, I'm feeling really really good about it. It's SO much easier to not eat now because I'm running around for college and job hunting. Now all I need is a car and a gym membership. Speaking of job hunting, I applied at a pizza place near my house. I used the ol' Sparkley Red Push-Up Bra and Tight Jeans on 'em. And he seemed to really like me ;) I've heard it's easy to work around food without eating it, so I really hope I get this job... The guy I talked to totes wants to fuck me, so I'm almost sure I'll get it.
So, right now, I'm kinda winding down. Watching Here Comes Honey-BooBoo for some...excellent fatspo. How do you guys feel about "Fatspo" or "Reverse Thinspo"? If you don't know what it is, it's basically pictures of people you don't want to look like (fat, ugly bitches). It's designed, I imagine, to make you realize that if you eat, you'll eventually look like that. A sort of "you-dont-want-this-do-you" sort of thing, if you will. Honestly, it works for me. I might be going to Hell for this, but, when I look at those people, it just reassures the EVIL that I know food to be.
I wrote a list of everything wrong with my body i.e. Love Handles, Arm Fat, Back Fat, Thighs Touching, Flabby Tummy. Uck. It's motivating to say the very least. You know what else is motivating? Hot boys that like me. FINALLY.
I want to be skinny for this one boy we'll call M. He's AMAZING. And his body.. ugh. He told me he works out til he throws up. I'm like "Sweetie, you shouldn't over-exercise, it's bad for you." Then I was like ... Ellie, you run til you throw up all the time. So, I guess I shouldn't be saying anything. But if I have any reason to get skinny.. it's this boy. So, I'm also using him for motivation. I have a lot of methods. I drew pink lines around my wrist, like a permanent bracelet, around both wrists. I drew a little pink dragonfly on one of them for my "Ana Bracelets." It works pretty well :)


eating isn't very CHANEL.

Anyway, I'm dying my hair back to my natural brunette. I'll be more sultry this way... ;) I'll be like those gorgeous skinny, long-haired brunettes you see on your thinspo. I'll get to wear tiny ripped up jean shorts and pretty bralets. I'll dance around and smoke ciggies and flirt and sing and boys will like it. They'll like me. They'll kiss me. They'll help me when I'm drunk.
I'll be the "cute pizza factory counter girl." I'll get to wear big sweaters... I'll get to jump on boys... I'll get to be adorable without trying.

You're Not Alone by Saosin

This is going to be short because I'm in the middle of a breakdown right now. I've just watched the film "A Secret Between Friends." This isn't a good thing to be doing on the night before my first day of college... fuck I guess it's 1 am huh.. Well anyway.
The song in the title? It came on as I was looking in the mirror naked, as I've grown used to doing night after night, hour after hour when I can't sleep. I broke down.
The guy I went to the beach with? Hasn't texted me since.
I was too fat. I was too fat for him, I know it. I KNOW IT. He took one look at me and decided I wasn't good enough. The only reason he kissed me is he felt SORRY FOR THE WHALE. It was a pitty date, he knew I was in love with him before. I was stupid to think he could love a 126 POUND COW LIKE ME. 
What was I saying? Oh, yes, "A Secret Between Friends." Well, I certainly recommend this film for parents of teenaged girls and friends of potential Anas. But for Anas themselves, well, let's just say it triggered this breakdown along with "You're Not Alone." The co-star in the film, Jen, she's the PERSONIFICATION of Ana. For sure. Giving some pretty good tips.
For example, when the main character was in recovery, she discussed her daily calorie intake with the nutritionist and she had a pretty solid diet:
Breakfast: Water or tea.
Morning Snack: Gum
Lunch: One cracker and some pickles or carrots and water or diet coke.
Afternoon Snack: Gum.
Dinner: Salad or raw veggies.

I think I can do that. Fuck, I've tried everything else. And I'm nothing if not DESPERATE to be under 120 by September. That's 11 days away. Today marks the first day of college. Let's get pretty!
Well, ladies and gents, I'm gonna wipe these tears away and wakeup nice and empty tomorrow <3 TOODLIES :)

Disco.

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I'm officially a wanorexic. I fucked up on my Ana Camp... I went to actual camp and all my family packed was cookies and peanut m&ms. I didn't gain too much tho.. But today's definately a green tea day... maybe tomorrow too.

I need to get into that gym so I hope that lady calls back soon, I can't wait to set foot on a tredmill and run until I can't breathe. My belly's looking flatter, that's perhaps because I haven't eaten in a while. I fucking suck at this. I might as well just fast. I've got the teapot on the stove so hopefully my huge fucking thighs will keep me motivated.
My mom's being a fucking cunt this morning, as usual. It's SUMMER VACATION and she insists I get up at five AM. And you know what, getting up at 5 wouldn't be horrible if she actually had something for me to do, like chores or work or something. But no. She just wakes me up so I'll be up. It's like "Bitch, let me sleep. It's the last week of summer, on Monday, I'll be thrown to the college hounds, just let me fucking sleep in while I can." Her and her fucking husband are really REALLY getting on my nerves. They need to leave me the fuck alone..
Anyway, so about college... I'm really excited. I'm going to a community college. The name sounds kinda ghetto but it's not I hope. On Monday I'm supposed to sit into a bunch of classes and ask the professor to squeeze me in at the end. Sounds like an easy day right? Wrong. I'm so afraid of rejection. That's why I hate job hunting. It's so simple, right? Just ask for a manager and ask for a job opening, right? Not for me. I'm so afraid that they'll say "um no." Or "we're not hiring, sorry." And then I'll have to walk away trying to be cool about it and everyone will see. It's so embarassing. I guess that's how Ana came into my life, huh, being afraid of rejection. People reject people who are fat and who aren't beautiful. I didn't want to be rejected like I was so much in middle school. When I was fat.
My peppermint green tea is done :) hot hot. I feel so skinny when I drink tea. There's this tea, Celestial Berry Tea. Whenever I make it, the smell reminds me of Ana. I think it's because it was the first tea I ever had to keep myself from eating. I think tea is the best meal substitute.
I need to surround myself with pro ana again. The only problem with that is I'm afraid mymother will find out... fuck it I'm moving out. My grandpa told me I should move out because I told him that all my mother cares about is her stupid husband and buying things that dead people owned.
Hm. well it's 9:21 AM  right now so I guess I have nothing to report. If I think of anything anorexic-y, I'll add it ;)

the itsy bitsy Ana

So yesterday was incredible. I went on my very first date. A real date. With a real boy. He took me to the beach. I was so nervous. I know what you're thinking: "the beach? like with bikinis? ohmygosh you poor fat little girl." And you're absolutely right. He didn't seem too disgusted with my body while we were in the ocean. But while we were sunbathing...
I don't know, he kept touching me, like all over my tummy. Kill me. I did feel a teeeeensey bit better when he grabbed onto my hipbone tho... I felt thin. Sortof. And we kissed a little. I love the beach. And I loved being there with an actual boy, finally. I remember being at the beach before and seeing those thin girls with boys. But now I was one of those girls...a fat version, but one of them nonetheless!
I felt pretty. For the first time in my life without stripping on Skype for random men, I actually felt pretty.
But it all turned to shit. I woke up from that gorgeous dream this morning when I weighed myself. 127.
127.

127.

Fuck. So now I'm drinking my Ana tea (the Celestial Wild Berry) and my smart water in hopes of losing it. I asked my mother for a new bathroom scale and a gym membership. I need to run these pounds off. It's killin me to think about how much skinnier I could be by now if I could go to the gym once in a flippin' while. Well my friend David just got a car :D I can shamelessly use him fuckyeah.
Okay so, gym: done; school: done; boy: kinda done; car: ... ; job: ... ; CARELESSLY GAINING SIX POUNDS LIKE A FAT FUCKING FAGGOT: DEFINATELY DONE.

gymgymgymgymgymgymgymgym I need to run. I need to run. I need to run. If I dont run I'll get fat. If I get fat I'll die. I'll surely get fat and die. I need to die skinny. I can't die fat. I have to die skinny. Fragile, wrapped in Ana's arms, I will go from this world.
By the time I'm finished with this first semester of college, I want to be underweight, that's 114 atleast. I will be pretty. I will be tiny. Itsy bitsy.

the itsy bitsy Ana
gave up the need to eat
down came her weight
it swept her off her feet.
out came her bones
to shine for all to see
and the itsy bitsy Ana
was finally happy.

I wrote that bitches. If you steal it, there will be Hell to pay. Make sure you cite my blog ;) <3

Ana Camp Days 8&9

Day 8- 5 calories
Day 9- 30 calories

I just don't feel like eating anything.
Imagine something with me?
You're 14. Just coming out of the stages of thinking boys are gross. Kindof starting to like them a little. Just learning to flirt. You have a best friend. A skinny bestfriend (this was before Ana). She's pretty and adorable and sweet. And she knows how to talk to boys.
You like a boy... You introduce her to him. He likes her. Okay, we can brush that off, he was a dick anyway. Look, here comes abother one. This one seems to think you're pretty. He starts to talk to you. You start to like him. He meets your skinny bestfriend... He stops talking to you. Hm. That's some bad luck. Okay, we love our bestfriend, she deserves some boys too :p
Okay moving on. you're a little older now. Really starting to like boys. Haven't had a boyfriend yet, but hey, we're young. Oh, here's one. He's tall, handsome, sweet, amazing, talking to your bestfriend... oh. Again? Okay, well.. why not me this time? Okay, well we can't control who he likes. Not anyones fault.
Now you're seventeen.. And it's happening again. And again. And again. And again. Doesn't matter if the bestfriend changes.

Do you see how, the first couple times, you're okay with it.. you can just brush it off.. But after a while.. after the umpteenth time it happens.. you see how it can wear you down? You see where you might develop some sort of hatred for yourself.
I'm so confused. I'm pretty. I am. I have no problem meeting boys. They just like my friends. All of them. Every time. I know it's stupid to cry. But boys are one of the main reasons I starve. And I know that's stupid. I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to say or how skinny I have to be for a boy to like me.

ugh this is dumb. If it wasn't for music, I'd be dead, let's just say that. Music makes me feel special. And pretty. Like boys are supposed to. But they don't.

So you see why I don't feel like eating anything. I want to starve until my bestfriend is INVISIBLE next to me. I want to be the skinny bestfriend. I want to be the friend that the boys ignore you for. I want to be the friend you introduce to guys and they instanly fall for her. I will make you invisible bitch. I'll be the pretty one. I'll be the one going on dates. Just watch me.

Ana Camp Days 6&7

Day 6- 60 calories
Day 7- 10 calories

Forgive my negligence yesterday. I don't really know what happened. Well.. nothing happened. And thus, yesterday went fantastic as I didnt eat anything really. For a lot of these under-100-calorie days, I just fast. I dont know why :( I suck at ABC diets.
I bet you're wondering what happened at Dream Boy's party. It was actually pretty lame until I met one 20 year old guy amongst the sea of teenagers looking to get drunk. He was very nice and tall and awkward and he appreciates my weirdness, which I quite like. I spent some time talking to him and then at the end of the night, Mr. Perfect gave me a hug and said "text me tomorrow." I was like F'CKYEEAAAHHHHH.
I haven't really been paying attention to my eating.. But that's because I haven't really eaten anything so there's nothing to record or stress over or purge. It's quite nice, starving. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to blame yourself for. Nothing to make you dirty, or evil, or fat. No stress. The real "stress" of my eating disorder only comes when I try to eat. When I try to not worry, when I try not to starve. That's when I start freaking out and I get major anxiety.
So, question of the day, or should I say the last two days, for the two of you that read this blog:
When you guys have boyfriends or girlfriends, how do you tell them about your fears of gaining weight? How do you explain yourself when you don't eat the pasta on your date, or you don't touch the popcorn at the movies? Do you tell them about your ED? Or do you try to play it off and hide it like you did from your parents? I'm just wondering because I have a small feeling I might start dating soon, and I don't know exactly how to approach it. I HATE telling people because they always think they're the ones that are going to change your mind and your entire perception of yourself. Like, theyre gonna cure your mind and make Ana go away.
So... if I do get a boyfriend, like a serious one, when should I tell him? When he asks to go steady? Or when he notices I'm not eating? Or should I just try to deny it if he says something? I don't know. Maybe he wont notice... I'm too fat to have an eating disorder anyway.
#Ohmygodbitchjustshutthefuckup. I know. I shouldn't say that. I'm not too fat to have an eating disorder, no one is. Like my jab to Demi Lovato: I apologize. I'm not taking it back. But I do apologize. If I saw my picture on a blog saying "I don't see why she says she has an ED she's too fat for one." I'd be like WUDJU SAY BITCHH?! so.. sorry, Demi. Love you, girl.

**EDIT: oohhshit. I'm sorry so I'm thinking about posting a progress pic on the 15th or 16th because it's half-way through the month and all soooo... Yeah.. might not be much of a difference buuuuttt fuck yo shit.

Ana Camp Day 5

50 Calorie allowance today. And I've had about that amount. Two dwarf apples, fuck yeah. So tell me if you guys have experienced this: When fasting, you feel skinny as fuck. Whether it be because of the hunger or the hunger pangs or the tummy growls that make you feel beautiful and weak. When you're about to fall over because you're blacking out. You just feel empty and lovely and its wonderful. But the second you eat something... all the sudden you gained like fuckin 10 pounds like that. You walk by a mirror you just see your belly bloated and jiggling and ughhargrarrhghagrgahhagarrr.. shouldn't have had that dwarf apple. I love fasting so much and I fucking HATE eating after a fast. I hate it.
So I got invited to a wee kickback tonight... By that guy that I used to be infatuated by. I'm not really giddy or anything.. But he has a pool... and I have a bikini under my clothes. I KNOW for a fact there's gonna be smokin' hot chicks there with smokin' hot bodies and what the fuck is my doughy ass gonna be doing? Pouting? NO. That's not sexy, so here's the plan:
I will be completely 100% fake aaaasss FUCK. I will take all my clothes off, I will smile. I will put my hands on my hips and stand next to the twigs and I will feel like a goddamned trichechus.

But I wont eat SHIT. I wont(might, I might) drink... I WONT FUCKING SMOKE WEED FUCK. I'll try to get some fags and I will act completely confident. Because confidence is sexy, ladies. Don't take it from me, 'cause how many boyfriends have I had(none), but, when you're all insecure about your body n shit, its NOT SEXY. At all. Take Kat Von D for example:

Listen, I love the bitch... But girl can lose a few. But do guys care? FUCK NO! Because she's confident as hell and she doesn't act like a little insecure faggot. She puts on a bikini because FUCK YOU and she rocks that shit. She's so awesome dude. If I was mentally healthy, she'd be my goal.



...So yeah, you'll hear about the kickback tomorrow I guess.. wish me luck with the acting confident shit... peace.



Ana Camp Day 4

It seems much easier to just fast for the duration of this holiday so I'm just gonna do that. When in doubt about caloric content of things, to not eat is better than taking a chance and eating something. Eating things without knowing the exact caloric content terrifies me, as I'm sure some of you can relate.
Ever since I first discovered it in a Tumblr post, Anorexic Alice in Hungerland (composed by a very talented Pro Ana Tumblr) has become sort of a ritual to prepare me for the day ahead. I'm about to copy it to my blog simply because I've fallen in love with it.

Anorexic Alice in Hungerland

Curiouser and curiouser, you will wander along rainbow walkways, through grandiose gardens and Mad Hatter masquerade balls. Munch on the magic mushroom and miraculously materialize into a giant girl, bursting through broken doorways. Ingest the evil cake claiming "Eat Me," and watch as your skin stretches, your dainty doll stiches screaming as they snap and you pour out in a ponderous puddle. Eat anything in Hungerland, and you're guarunteed to grow, your image imposing on the impressive idols of thinness: Whoever heard of a model walking down the runway wearing a house as a hat? Forget ever being called FAT as you shift your gaze to the glass table center-staged on checkerboard floors. Collect the crystal bottle with the cream-coloured ribbon that ties the tiny tag telling of the one truth among the haze of hysteria: "Drink Me," and take pleasure as the potion for perfection pours down your throat. Smile as you steadily shrink until you're petite enough to persuade disorderly doorknobs to turn and hurl you headfirst into Hungerland.

Once you've stepped into the spine of you spectacular storybook, painted with pictures of pretty poppies who never pig out on pastries and dancing dandelions who never dig into dinner, you can mute the moans of hungry tummies at maddening tea parties. Steer clear of the sugar bowl, distract yourself as you find delight in the delirious dormouse who dictates sideways songs to the teapot and saucers. Crazed on caffiene in china cups, sip mania with the Mad Hatter and the March Hare as you skip around the table; tireless circles to burn calories. The cheshire cat cracks a crescent moon smile at your excellence as A n o r e x i c  A l i  c e.

Frolic down footpaths until you crash into the Caterpillar, carefully count calories as you fly high on hookah about hunger pangs. Blow beautiful O's, zero's floating by in fantastical emblems of allowed caloric limits. Swish through the smoke of insanity. Nothing more than a wisp of a waif of yourself. Recite the rhymes that remind you to resist terrifying temptation:

"How doth the little crocodile

improve his shining tail.

And pour the WATERS of the nile

on every golden scale.

How cheerfully he seems to grin,

how neatly spreads his claws.

And welcomes little fishies in,

with gently smiling jaws."

Eventually you'll encounter the heavyset Queen of Hearts, but you're exempt from her execution, your collarbones too sharp for any card to seize you. Your head is already gone away. Turn cartwheels for the crowd as you crush the Queen in her croquet games, flouncing a flamingo about as you hit hedgehogs, hole-in-one, a goal gained on the grass for every goal weight you reach, a cadaverous champion. Paint the roses red to protect your pretty secret, skinny stomach concealed by curtsies and mild manners.

Whisk away from the world of rolling heads to seek out the White Rabbit, be sure to scratch down how many calories you burn by sprinting after him, and laugh as you lose the weight that ruined your life in the real world. Make merry and mess around with the nonsensical nuts of Hungerland, enjoy how everyone there is empty of sanity.

When the day is done, drop to knobby knees and pray that you're never pulled out of your wonderful world and dropped back into doomed reality. There is no waking up from this dream in a field of daisies for A n o r e x i c  A l i c e, only darkness as you decompose six-feet deep in the dirt.

...SO that's that. um. I find it incredibly inspiring and extremely well-written. I read it most every morning to really get myself in the mindset of the day. If I feel as if I'm this whispy beautiful character, it makes fasting and counting calories almost like a game of make-believe. Don't lose hope, my dears. I have copied Anorexic Alice in Hungerland into my Ana Book. It's only a few paragraphs, if you write it in really whimsical cursive, it looks really cool. I sugest, if you like it as much as I do, writing or typing it up somewhere you can see it every day.

Ana Camp Day 3

Today I woke up, packed two bags and piled into my step father's candy-apple red SUV with my mother for the eight-hour trip to my home town of Las Vegas, NV. The day started out well; my mother had bought me a self-filtering water bottle. So I sat happily in the back seat jammin' out to Pandora Radio, watching my parents stuff their mortal faces with peanuts and cheez-its (BLEGH!) and was I tempted? NO :D
I sat back and listened to my music, sipping my water, feeling my tummy growl like a lion, with much glee. Whilst stopped at a Bank of America about half-way through my journey, I was offered 33 cals worth of tiny oyster crackers. Feeling a bit peckish, and deeming them not in violation of my 100 calorie limit, I gingerly snacked on them. Done for the day right?
Enter Grammies house stage left. Macaroni & cheese as supporting actors. Music conducted by tummy growls...Strike three at Ana Camp. And I didn't purge because fuck my life. So this is my punishment: sitting here feeling shitty as fuck with a full-ass fuckin belly, unable to look at the Pro Ana tags because, have you ever looked at Pro Ana shit after just eating? You feel like the fattest cunt ever to waddle the earth. Just picture upon picture upon post upon post basically saying:
"nee-ner, nee-ner, nee-ner. I'm a better Ana than you. I haven't had anything but 28 grapes all week and I just got done over-exercising and my boyfriend says I'm too skinny but oh, how he loves my hipbones and THIGH GAP PROGRESS PICS LOLZ!" -_- shutthefuckupbitch its cause you live alone. If it wasn't for my grandmother, seriously I would have successfully fasted all fucking day. I mean, I should have had 100 cals. But fuck that... fuuuuuck. Whats tomorrow's limit...
200. 200 calorie limit tomorrow. Seems do-able. Honestly, I just want to fast the entire time I'm in Vegas, its so hard to calorie count when you're on holiday.
Atleast my makeup looks sick as hell today.
I got a message recently telling me I'm a "curvy girl hater" and that I should "let girls embrace their curves and be happy with themselves even if they're big."
Okay. Let's get some shit straight. Number One: There is a difference between being "curvy" and being FAT.
Kim Kardashian. Is curvy. And she is SEXY AS HELL.
Precious. Is fat. And she looks like a melty tootsie roll.
Number Two. I ABSOLUTLEY think, without a shadow of a doubt, that you should embrace your body no matter what size you are. Size 0 to Infinity. As I have said many times before in this blog, I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS. It causes me to loathe my body no matter what the scale says.
Just thought I should straighten that out.
thin.
thin.
thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thinner. SKINNY. THIN. THIN. THIN. DARLING
STICK YOUR FINGERS DOWN YOUR THROAT, HACK OFF YOUR TITS, KEEP TAKING THE PILLS AND DONT COME BACK UNTIL YOU'RE LOOKING LIKE SOMETHING.

Ana Camp Day 2

I'm horrid at this. Binged and purged on tuna salad in a tortilla. Plus I had a vanilla chai frap this morning. I need to start writing these caloric limits on my hand. So today's a fail, as was yesterday. But tomorrow is a new day!!
Ugh, this is so embarassing, dear ones. I need to be skinny for this totally gorgeous boy that suddenly wants my nuts. I need to be 115 for him. He's beautiful. No one I see myself dating, but gorgeous anyway. Stop eating, Ellie!! This camp doesn't have time for FATTIES!! Every one else here is doing fine and you're FAILING. How embarassing. To be the only one in all of Ana Camp to FAIL at actually being Ana. You get one more chance or I'll kick you out, because you're not ready.
So anyway. I need school to start. Not eating is so fucking much easier when I'm in school.
I need a cigarette.

Sorry for the short-ass post.

Ana Camp Day 1

Ana save me. Ana save me... I've been evil. I've been so unclean. So impure. So fucking imperfect.
"You hav been whoreing yourself around food like a fucking normal. So I'm SHIPPING YOU OFF to Ana Boot Camp. Welcome to camp Donwannabeafattie on Lake Wannabeaskinny."
If you guys want to do this with me feel free!! Here's the camp schedule:
Day 1: 5 calories
Day 2: 20 calories
Day 3: 100 calories
Day4: 200 calories
Day 5: 50 calories
Day 6: 60 calories
Day 7: 10 calories
Day 8: 5 calories
Day 9: 30 calories
Day 10: 80 calories
Day 11: 5 calories
Day 12: 100 calories
Day 13: 5 calories
Day 14: 200 calories
Day 15: 10 calories
Day 16: 5 calories
Day 17: 50 calories
Day 18: 40 calories
Day 19: 20 calories
Day 20: 80 calories
Day 21: 120 calories
Day 22: 80 calories
Day 23: 5 calories
Day 24: 100 calories
Day 25: 20 calories
Day 26: 70 calories
Day 27: 5 calories
Day 28: 60 calories
Day 29: 20 calories
Day 30: 100 calories
Day 31: Weigh-in.

So today's Day 1, that means 5 calories... That means Dentyne gum. Shit. Let's see how much I weeeeiiigh!! ...125. Fuck. Not as bad as I thought I would be but I fucking hate this plateau. So 5 calories it is.
My muscles are starting to get hellza sore... It sucks. Every day. I wake up and my neck and my chest and my shoulder muscles hurt like really bad. But pain is good.
Well I'm going to do this. I've seen amazing results from Ana boot camps, dude.

So.. Here's me at 125lbs. Fuck.

(oohh, nipples. Get over it, grow up.)

Oak.

Finally, broskies. I finally purchased my own fucking computer. God Damn. That took long enough didn't it. It's a gorgeous model, ASUS Ultrabook, Lime Green, super sleek. And skinny like Ana(: The reason I got this notebook, or the reason my mother has quelled herself with, is that I will be starting college in the fall. Ah, college. Free to fast and whore around to my little heart's content. And no one to be fucking concerned. God I fucking hate that word. "I'm just concerned about you, dear." Well here's an idea: take your concerned little heroic brain and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. I don't care how much you supposedly care about my well-being. This is my body. Stop trying to control it. I've already had my body controlled from a very young age and that fucked up my whole life. Don't need others to control my body in adult life. Nooo thank you.
Anyway, how have Ana and I been lately, Hm... Well, I'm definately not eating normally, but I'm definately not fasting. Distracting myself has been the hardest thing. Before I met Ana, eating was a hobby. Hm, I'm hella bored. What should I do... There's Girl Scout Cookies in the cabinet... Awesome. Aaand that's how you got to 149 pounds, dearie. I'm stuck at 125, a sort of plateau. This is the first one I've been in, through 15 pounds of weightloss, can you believe it? My lowest weight to date has been 121 and I'm soooo desperate to get into the teens now. I'm determined. More water, more exercise, more fasting. I need to get with the program!! Ana doesn't wait forever. And when she boogies, she leaves you with a more fucked up metabolism than Lindsay Lohan. Let's get back on track, Ellie!! 11 more pounds til your first underweight goal of 114!
By the way, if you want a good motivation method, shittalk yourself. I know you bitches do that all the time in your head. But I mean seriously, verbally (it helps if there's no one around you when this occurs), open your mouth, look in the mirror and say "Holy. Fuck. You are fat. But you can be skinny!! You can be beautiful and flawless like [insert thinspiration here]. But you're fat. So you need to WORK, BITCH!! No one just wakes up skinny! Stick to your diet! No more mercy!! If you skip an exercise that's one half hour of running at the end of the week! Work, fat bitch, work!" Trust me, it works. The more Richard-Simmon's-Evil-Twin the better ;)
Today I had a double blended vanilla chai frapuccino with whipped cream from Starbucks AND sweet potato fries from Carl's Jr. And tonight I guess we're taking my hot step sister and going to see The Dark Knight Rises. Yes, my step sister is hot. Yes, I would totally do her. No, I'm not gay. She's just super hot. She's one of my many real-life thinspos. And it's extra Wanna-Fuckin-BE-That-Bitch points cause she has an attractive boyfriend. And you know what movie theaters mean, AnaGirls... That's right. Popcorn and butter and salt and FAT. Candy and soda and sugar and FAT. Hotdogs and nachos and chips and FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT. Ugh. So hard to resist that fluffy buttery goodness when watching Christian Bale and Anne Hathaway kick some bad guy's ass. By the way, this has nothing to do with anorexia, but just by the way... If Anne Hathaway... fucks up this movie.. I will PERSONALLY hunt her down... scalp her... make her eat the scalp... break both her legs, and then suck out the marrow with an industrial carwash vacuum..
..
..totally not a psychopath.

Safe & Sound.

I weigh 125 today. Fuck. I've been eating again. I don't know what's come over me. I fucking hate myself for it. Why the fuck am I gonna have a blog about anorexia when I'm such a fucking wanorexic. I'm never eating again. I'm going to drag this water fast out as long as I have to to shed these next five pounds. Water and exercise. Nothing else. Not even gum. Every little calorie adds up. Yesterday was my step dad's mother's birthday. So I went over to my step aunt's house prepared to fast. And what did I do?
I fucking sat at her kitchen table and ate handfuls of LAYS and salsa and grapes and green peppers and ranch like a fucking commoner. Of course I could feel Ana's cold grip of guilt come over me and I thought I could have a quick chat with Mia without any one noticing. And that's what it was. A VERY quick chat. I might have gotten three tablespoons out. Fuck.
Even as I'm writing this I'm thinking about the chocolate chip cookies we bought yesterday. You know the ones from Albertson's that come in that purple bag and theyre just full of gooey chocolatey OMNOMS? Yeah... But i WONT GIVE IN. I must starve. I must starve. I punched Ana in the gut way too many times yesterday. Today it's gonna be all about me and her <3 best friends forever.
I just hope that number goes down tomorrow. Just incase I forget what I'm doing I wrote "FAT, 125, kitchenslut, cow, moo, oink, pig, huge, chunky, heffer, big, and no" on my hand last night. Incase I forget. Like Why the fucking fuck would I be wearing an Ana bracelet if I fucking eat like a normal person.
Speaking of normal people, I found myself wondering this today: how can anyone be "normal" about eating and weight? How could that number not dictate your day? How can how much FAT you see in the mirror NOT keep you from eating? How can you NOT count calories?? I mean, this is your IMAGE. This is how the world SEES you. How can you just eat without remorse? Getting fatter and fatter and just letting it happen. MAKING yourself fatter and fatter, it's unattractive. People say that anorexics are sick in the mind or whatever, but how could you NOT be trying to perfect your body? How can you be stuffing the FAT into yourself with your own two hands and not be terrified?
Just a thought.
I'm so fucking excited for college, bro. I'll have so much time to myself, I can lie about what I eat. I'll have motivation, my own money to buy my OWN fucking computer so I wont have to blog in the InPrivate tab... yes, I use the InPrivate tab, and NO its not for porn.


okay its for porn.

And Oh, To See The Sunshine Through The Gap Between My Thighs...

Today was okay until about 30 minutes ago.
I woke up ready to starve. I thinspired myself and starved myself gleefully throughout. My mother then came to take me shopping at Target for my step brother's fiance's bridal shower BLEGH. Anyway after we got back, I was pretty confident. I began writing things like "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" and "Perfect pretty princesses let their perfect bones show" over and over and over again on paper. It was a wonderful way to pass the time and distract myself from eating.
Then I ate No Pudge brownie. And peanuts. Fuck.
I knew I had to be punished. It's one of Ana's comandments. So out come my razor blades and I make five cuts along the inside of my forearm jut below the elbow. As I sit there waching it bleed, something that fascitnates me, I admire my work when my mother bursts in just in time to see me jump and hide something small under my thigh.
Of course, she wanted to know what it was. And I couldn't just say "Nothing" and have her go "Oh okay, have a nice night honey." God, how I wish my mother was ignorant. No. She siezes the blade and is now concerned with my goddamned mental health, wanting to help "occupy my day" by "making daily plans" like SHUTTHEFUCKUPANDLETMELIVEMYOWNFUCKINGLIFE,WOMAN.
She doesn't understand something: I'm not depressed. I'm not suicidal. And I DEFINATELY DONT WANT HER FUCKING HELP. With anything. At all. Ever. Ever.
Today whilst we were out we went to an estate sale in an old folks community. And I can't tell you how much I wanted to buy that fucking house. Secluded, teal, Florida style. Big open space for entertaining, wonderfully private patio, all for me to starve in PEACE. Peace. Aloneness. Anorexic Alice in Hungerland. Surrounding myself with Ana and all her sick beauty.

Tomorrow is a new fucking day, whore. I will wake up in Hungerland. I will be beautiful and perfect and frolic in the magic of starvation.

Pitbull is really really sexy. He makes me feel slutty.

Anyway I really fuckin' hope my mom doesn't look into this. I hope I get to see my therapist and weave perfect little lies through my perfect teeth. Teeth that have not been tainted or spoiled with food. I will fill my empty tummy with water. Yummy, perfect, sweet, zero-calorie water.

Isn't it odd, the way we treat the act of eating?

Before eating: "I really shouldn't do this.. I haven't eaten in a while tho... And I'm really hungry.. Maybe just a little bit.. Just a little."

During: "This is so fucking GOOD OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOOOOOMMM"

Directly after: "Must purge. Must purge. MUST FUCKING PURGE. Im fat. Im fat. Im so fucking fat. Im gonna gain like 300 pounds. Fuck my life. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FuckIT."

30 minutes later: "wow.. I ate 36 peanuts.. What the fuck is wrong with me."

I literally regret EVERY FUCKING THING I ingest. Every fucking thing. Every morsel. Every tiny calorie. I used to eat 2,000 calories a day, holy shit. The only thing I dont ever regret putting in my tummy is water. And yet, I still fuck up. I still induce that sucky feeling. Why...

New thinspiration: the ex-fiance in Date Movie. Look her up. She's hot as FUCK.

Staying up into the wee hours of the morning so I can sleep in and not eat breakfast or whatever. Hopefully mom will forget about this shit. My nails fucking suck.. My hair sucks. My skin sucks. Fuck my life. I don't want help so soon. I want to be thin and weak and beautiful on my own first. God I can't fucking wait to move out.
My shirt sleeve is stained with blood cause I used it to cover up when the bitch came snooping. This is like one of my favorite shirts too.. fuck.

I need to get laid.

ANA STRONG.

I can't eat anymore.
I cannot EVER eat ANYTHING. EVER AGAIN. Ever.
Ana won't let me. She won't let me down. She won't let me be ugly. She's not gonna let me get fat because of my disgusting addiction to food. Food has ruined me. It has made me impure. It has made me hideous. Food has ruined any chance I ever had for love or companionship. I have to stop myself. I have to listen to my Ana bracelet. I have to resist the EVIL urge to eat. It destroys me. All this pain. All my sacrifice. All my work for this almost kinda perfect body, food has RUINED IT ALL. It seduces me. It lies. Promising tiny pleasure for a tiny minute and then raping my mind with regret and self-hate. I hate food. I hate it. I hate my love for it. I hate my disgustingly human need for it.
I can do this. I can starve myself to the kind of perfection only Ana can help me attain. I can resist food. All of it. No more snacking. No more meals. No more empty calories. No more cheat days. Water. Water, Tea, Cigarettes, Diet Pills and Gum. I can do this. I will be perfect.
I have graduated high school as of today. As a graduation present, my parents are buying me a car. I can "go out to eat." I can "eat at work." I can "eat on the go." I will be shooting music videos and going on photoshoots and mini tours for my album promotion. Hardly anytime to sit down and eat. I will shrink, inch by inch. I will be in college, too much stress for food. And the more stress, the better. Stress makes me skinny.
My skin will suffer. My hair will suffer. My nails will suffer. My joints will suffer. But beauty is worth it.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so obsessed with achieving unattainable perfection?
The most exciting thing for me about getting a car is being able to go to the gym. Or just out to a random track for a run. Being able to totally distract myself from eating. Making money at my new job and being able to afford my own apple computer with that money because it won't be spent on food!
Today was good. I didn't eat anything except when I got home from my meeting with my manager today, I had some eggs and cheese :( blegh. Really shouldn't have happened but what's done is done. Im trying not to purge anymore because my music career is in its prime and I really don't wanna disappoint fans at my live shows with a fucked up Kelly Clarkson voice. I just wont eat.
I will be purely angelic. Beautifully empty. As gorgeous and boney and delicate as my hands. God I love my hands. They're nothing but bone. They're cold ALL THE TIME. They're long and lean and perfect. My hands are my thinspo. They make my strong. But there's stong, and then there's ANA STRONG. I will be Ana Strong. Perfect and empty and pure and strong.
The head bone's connected to the...neck bone. The neck bone's connected to the...back bone. The back bone's connected to the...hip bones. The hip bones' connected to the...thigh bones...

Demi Lovato has a FOOT FETISH?!

3:30 PM. I've been fasting fooooooor... 19 hours now?
I'm talking to a boy!! He has a foot fetish... months and months of starving and purging to get my body perfect for a boy, and I finally talk to one and he wants to see... my feet.. -_-
Well whatever, as I always say, attention is attention.
So about four or five weeks ago, I took this test. It's to see if I can just get my diploma early, test out of high school basically. And I should be getting the results in about three days or so... :D
I'm so excited. Because, my mum says, if I pass, I get a MAC :DDDDDDDDDD
I've always wanted oneeeeee. So I'm hella excited. I just hope I passed!
Dude, this guy wants a minute-long video of me wiggling my toes.. Like what the fuck is that?! How the hell do you get off on that? Like "oh, yeah baby, I like how you wiggle those toes, you dirty little slut. Yeeeaahh, flex your feet for me, baby. Oh... oh yeah.. that's so hot.."
Anyway. This fast has been tough. Especially since the cupcakes and icing from my birthday are still sitting right there on the counter in a Tupperware box.. taunting me.. seducing me.
GAH snap out of it, you SLUT! You can DO this!
Drink your water. Do jumping jacks. Look at thinspo. Don't just SLAP Ana in the face by EATING. fat. fat fattie!!


It is now 4:30PM. I'm watching STALKED: Someone's Watching. Is it weird that I want this guy to stalk me...? He's incredibly sexy. This bitch's like "Oh, he wouldn't leave me alone. I hated him so much. He was so scary. Blah blah blaaah." I'm like, bitch, he's SEXY. He's all sensual and his voice is all sexed and mmm. If I had a sexy-ass man following me, I'd be like "bring it on, baby."
..This is so bad. If you're reading this, and you've ever been stalked, I am so sorry. I'm sure it's absolutely aweful...
I fuckin' want Latisse.

I don't promote websites, as in, I don't take money in exchange for mentioning websites on my blog. But I just found this Pro Ana website called SkinnyGossip.com. It's incredible!! Thinspo upon thinspo! Skinny pride upon skinny pride! Celebrities, Models, Diet Plans, Excercise, Beauty Tips. It's amazing! One of the best I've found. Definitely.

5:45PM drinkin some low calorie hot chocolate. Not feelin' too hot about it honestly but, anything to keep myself from binging.

6:00PM Okay, many of you may very well stop reading my blog when you hear about what I'm about to talk about. And this might be horrible and sick and just plain wrong because of what she's allegedly gone through and blah blah blah but...
I do not think Demi Lovato qualifies as thinspo. At all. Yes, I know she's all "I hated my body, bulimia, self-harm, ladida." But, honestly... she doesn't... look very successful at starvingIMSORRY. Im sorry. It's aweful I know. I'm going to hell I know. But she has HUGE thighs, HUGE wings, and a pretty THICK midsection.

I just don't think she should be worshipped as an "Ana Angel."

I'm going to hell.

Fuck.

I turned 17 Yesterday. My day was fantastic. I went to the beach with my best friend and he gave me 21 Jumpstreet... funniest fucking movie ever. Oh my God. I was dying.
But anyway... I am so fucking ashamed of my eating for the past three days, dudes. Honestly I've failed Ana so fucking much it's insane. I only hope she has enough grace to help me fast for the next three days. So get this:
On Friday, I didn't wake up planning to binge. But I don't know what the fuck happened, seriously... I was just sitting there watching Investigation Discovery... when I found myself reluctanly following my feet to the kitchen and eating a whole WHOLE bunch of complete SHIT. I'd tell you everything I ate with the calories n shit but I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING RECORD ANYTHING. Like what the fuck. What kind of a wannorexic am I?! Anyway I stuffed my fucking face, binging and purging ALL day. Basically ditching Ana for Mia. I guess I just thought "Fuck it, it's my birthday weekend."
And so began the Binge. All of Friday. ALL OF IT. Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Fuck you, Ana. Save me, Mia. Fuck my fucking life.
By Saturday I had of course realized my horrible mistake. I felt aweful.. All I ate was a couple french fries with my friend on the beach (beacuase he was begging me to). Then I had CHINESE. BUTT-FUCKING CHINESE. and CUPCAKES. CONFETTI FUCKING CUPCAKES, BITCH. MULTIPLE. FUCK. I had a couple today too. And PITA CHIPS. And peanuts. FUCK.
So yeah, there you go. Forgive me, Ana, for I have sinned... oh so fucking horribly. I am so sorry. Please give me the strength to FAST my fat ass OFF.
On the brightside, I got a sick-ass water bottle from Trader Joe's... So..
So, yeah. Those are my sins for the weekend. I feel.. so normal. So fat. So human. It makes me sick. I'm slipping away from being a "being," an "entity" such as Ana.
I swear. Mark this time: 8:33 PM. My 72 hour fast begins NOW. Nothing but water. NOTHING.
Forgive me, Ana, please. Have mercy.. God I hope my weight didn't suffer too much. I haven't weighed. I've been too afraid. Maybe after my three-day fast.
And ofcourse, God decided to have this day, the closing of a FAT-ASSED BINGE FUCKING FEST, to call a SUPER DELECTIBLY SEXY MALE to the pool today. I had to sit there looking like an albino seal bursting out of her bikini in all the wrong places. God, he was so hot.

I don't really know what else to write about without giving away my indentity... I feel like Superman or something. I don't even think anyone even reads this shit, but fuck.. Well, you already know I'm a well-known singer... with brown-sometimes-red-sometimes-black hair and blue eyes... fuck I could be Katy Perry or some shit..
Anyway, I'm off to drown myself in the pro ana tags at Tumblr.
Cheerio.

Ana Survey.

Watching America's Next Top Model for incredible thinspo. If you want some incredible thinspo, you should click on that "My Thinspiration." tag up there. Thanks.
So browsing through Tumblr, I've noticed a lot of girls doing these Ana Surveys, and I'm bored as fuck so, Ima do one. K.

Current Weight: 121.4 pounds.
Highest Weight: 149 pounds.
Lowest Weight: 121.4 pounds.
Goal Weight: There's a bunch but I really want to be 115 soon.

Favorite Binge Food? Oh heavens, anything fattening. Anything sweet and sticky and yummy and crunchy. Basic bulimic binge foods: cupcakes, chips, chocolate, candy, ice cream (I actually enjoy purging icecream. I know that's bad, but idk.. it's fun to me.) pizza is INCREDIBLE. cookies mmmm. cheese.. ugh this is bad.
Favorite Exercise? Just simple calisthenics. Im not much of an over-exerciser to be honest.

What Makes You Slip Up? Really good food that other people are expecting me to eat.

What Makes You Strong? When I think about being my goal weight. And when I see a lower number in the morning.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? On a fast day, I won't go over 100. But on non-fasting days, over 500 scares me.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? Some one who's come a long way, and still has far to go. Some one who's getting happier everyday.

Are You In A Relationship?  No. I've never been in one.

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? Before this started, I was definately the fat one. But I'm actually skinnier than my best friend now. That makes me SO happy because I stopped eating because I wanted to look like her.
Are You Depressed? No, I don't think I'm despressed. Just very lonely.

Ever Been To A Psychologist? Yes, I have.

Are You On Any Medication? multivitamins? I take biotin for my hair?
I AM -
[] anorexic
[x] ednos
[] bulimic (I have bulimic tendencies...)
[x] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] eating something
[] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[x] participating in a fast
[x] vegan(trying to be)
[] losing weight healthily

PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me

I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100lb
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[x] I could stop being ana/mia
[x] I had a boy/girlfriend
[] I could disappear

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -
[] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[x] being single
[] wearing short skirts
[x] being/feeling fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[] fat people. Are you kidding? I hate skinny bitches.

I NEED -
[x] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[x] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10lbs 

Human.

The day after tomorrow is my 17th birthday. I should be ecstatic. I should be inviting friends to a party. I should be planning the perfect outfit. But all Ana's letting me do is stress about how much I will weigh that morning. To Ana, it's not a birthday. To her, it's just another day. Another 24 hours to lose a pound or more. When I started this, I weighed 149 pounds...
Just typing that number pains me. How I let myself get that way, I will never understand, nor will I ever forgive myself for it. Today I am 122.2 pounds. Holy Moley... It's been a long road, but we're no where near finished. Those are the words going through my mind everytime I think "Wow, I look really good. Maybe I should stop. Before it's too late."
"No," she says, harshly, diminishing that one glimmer of hope for recovery. "We're no where near finished. Not yet. Five more pounds."

I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been on a date. I've never really been the love interest of anyone but drunk bastards at parties. I think that's why I stopped eating.
Let's see, a life story. An autobiography from July 14, 1995 til today. I was born in Reno. I don't remember living there. I moved to Las Vegas when I was about five. Life there was horrible. On top of being chubby, having a gorgeous best friend, low self-esteem, and being practically invisible, I lived with a bi-polar, abusive, manipulative, liquor-addicted closet fag known as my biological father. As far as I'm concerned, any sickness in my brain, any body dismorphic issues I present root from that man. But I guess I'll talk more about him later.
When I was 16, my mother married a child. Five kids who loathe him, a business that went to complete shit, a spoiled, self-obsessed child. A pathetic, shriveled, cowardly excuse for a human being. Let's not talk about him. Anyway, I then moved to California.
If you're wondering why my "bio" is so short, it's because I've never really had a life. Hard to believe that a person who has spent 17 years on this earth has nothing to show for it, isn't it?

I've always wanted to be pretty. I've always wanted boys to like me. What girl doesn't? But over the years of watching skinny dumb bitches reel in fantastic catches, and wondering what could possibly be wrong with me, I went through the list:
I cut my hair. Big Mistake. I was called a lesbian for a year and a half.
I changed my style. Many times. From emo, to scene, to preppy, to punk rock, to hippie. No dice.
I changed my personality. Well maybe I was just too interesting? ;) I began talking quieter, blushing more, talking about the Jonas Brothers, things that girls around me were always doing. The things that made me alienate myself from them. Didn't work.
Finally I decided to look in the mirror... I was 5'6" and nearly 150 pounds. I suddenly disgusted myself. It all made sense.. That's when I met Ana.

People don't care if skinny girls are weird. It's cute. They don't care if skinny girls are awkward. It's adorable. If skinny girls are cold, they get hot boys' jackets. If they eat a plate of nachos people think "Thank God she's eating that," instead of "wow she really should've had a salad." And when I finally do meet a boy, and when he starts talking to me, when I tell him I've never been on a date, he'll be suprised: "No way. But, you're so gorgeous." I can't wait for that day.
Ana is my best friend now. We spend every waking moment together. She makes me pretty. She wants me to find a relationship. Her only purpose in this life is to make me beautiful and free of my addiction to food.
This hasn't been easy. I've failed. I've cheated. I've purged. I've lied to people I love. I've pushed the few friends I did have away. But in a sick way, it's all been worth it. Somehow, my twisted mess of a mind is happy with this. Without Ana, who am I? No one. Just a chubby girl who's never been given a damn about.
That's not me. And Ana understand that. I have dreams. I have ambitions. I want to be a singer. And an actress. And a model. And a designer. And I want to be some one's thinspiration.
I want my picture circulating through the Pro Ana/ thinspiration tags on Tumblr. Sick, isn't it? My entire goal is just to be worshiped. For people to be in awe of me..
How Human of me.