Safe & Sound.

I weigh 125 today. Fuck. I've been eating again. I don't know what's come over me. I fucking hate myself for it. Why the fuck am I gonna have a blog about anorexia when I'm such a fucking wanorexic. I'm never eating again. I'm going to drag this water fast out as long as I have to to shed these next five pounds. Water and exercise. Nothing else. Not even gum. Every little calorie adds up. Yesterday was my step dad's mother's birthday. So I went over to my step aunt's house prepared to fast. And what did I do?
I fucking sat at her kitchen table and ate handfuls of LAYS and salsa and grapes and green peppers and ranch like a fucking commoner. Of course I could feel Ana's cold grip of guilt come over me and I thought I could have a quick chat with Mia without any one noticing. And that's what it was. A VERY quick chat. I might have gotten three tablespoons out. Fuck.
Even as I'm writing this I'm thinking about the chocolate chip cookies we bought yesterday. You know the ones from Albertson's that come in that purple bag and theyre just full of gooey chocolatey OMNOMS? Yeah... But i WONT GIVE IN. I must starve. I must starve. I punched Ana in the gut way too many times yesterday. Today it's gonna be all about me and her <3 best friends forever.
I just hope that number goes down tomorrow. Just incase I forget what I'm doing I wrote "FAT, 125, kitchenslut, cow, moo, oink, pig, huge, chunky, heffer, big, and no" on my hand last night. Incase I forget. Like Why the fucking fuck would I be wearing an Ana bracelet if I fucking eat like a normal person.
Speaking of normal people, I found myself wondering this today: how can anyone be "normal" about eating and weight? How could that number not dictate your day? How can how much FAT you see in the mirror NOT keep you from eating? How can you NOT count calories?? I mean, this is your IMAGE. This is how the world SEES you. How can you just eat without remorse? Getting fatter and fatter and just letting it happen. MAKING yourself fatter and fatter, it's unattractive. People say that anorexics are sick in the mind or whatever, but how could you NOT be trying to perfect your body? How can you be stuffing the FAT into yourself with your own two hands and not be terrified?
Just a thought.
I'm so fucking excited for college, bro. I'll have so much time to myself, I can lie about what I eat. I'll have motivation, my own money to buy my OWN fucking computer so I wont have to blog in the InPrivate tab... yes, I use the InPrivate tab, and NO its not for porn.


okay its for porn.