Lucy Fry

Last night, my friend came over. His name starts with an M, too, sooo... We're calling him M. I didn't like like him when I first met him, but now I think I like like him... Oh and we had sex. In my jacuzzi. While my mom was sleeping. Yeah. I really like him. And he really likes me. So we'll keep dating but, I can't call him my boyfriend yet. But I'm really happy.
He wants to bake with me. He wants to cook me a dinner and then bake a fantastic desert together. He's talking about Red Velvet Cake Balls and Lemon Squares and (brace yourself) CHOCOLATE MAYONAISE CAKE. 0.0 Is that not the freakiest thing you've ever red? I want to THROW UP just looking at the name of it, oh my god. I'll bake with him, but I wont eat anything.
Speaking of baking and not eating, I baked an entire batch of cookies yesterday. Now, I'm going to be honest to you, loves, I did taste things here and there... And I might have had one cookie. But that's FAR LESS than I did before. Far less. I am very proud of myself. Furthermore, the deliciously looking freshly-baked cookies are sitting out on the kitchen counter as we speak, and I have not touched one. Not one :)
I am so proud of myself. I just go out to get water and my dailey meal of 1 rice cake and three pickles and I don't touch them :) You have no idea how good I feel about that.
Oh, I have found a new thinspo. Lucy Fry.

DOZ COLLARBONEZ. Oh lawd.

 

She's absolutely perfect. Look at her. I saw her on TV and that's what made me not get a cookie so, thank you, Lucy Fry. 

124. punk.bitches.

I am...so ridiculously happy to be back under 125. Hopefully, by the end of this week, I'll be at least 120. BRING IT ON. I'm sticking to the "Secret Between Friends" diet for now. I need more pro ana. I need it. I'm becoming obsessed with it. I'm looking up thinspo upon thinspo upon Ana Doc upon Ana Doc. To the point where I'm getting pissed because I've seen basically all of them. Like omfg why can't they make more.
It's so strange that I went into this rationally. I was one of those stupid annoying bitches that was all up on the interwebz sayin' "i W4NN4 B3 4N4 LOLZ G!MM3 Pr0-4N4 t!pz plzzzzz!!" Well, I mean.. I didn't start off thinking I was being rational. I didn't start off as just another dieter. I researched Anorexia. Thuroughly. I researched tips and starting up. I WANTED to be anorexic. How sick is that. How disgusting was I. I'm one of those horrid girls on tumblr giving out tips and looking for Ana buddies and accepting this as a lifestyle, not a disease. I glorify it. I love my eating disorder. Curse me. Shame on me. But I love it. I love being weak. I love blacking out. I love losing weight. I love having a terrible secret.
I am Pro-Ana. For myself. I don't know. I don't want other girls to feel this way. I don't want other girls to starve. I know what I'm doing to myself is wrong... But, at the same time, if one of you asked my for advice on how to starve or purge or hide things... I'd help you. Because I don't want to be a hypocrite.

Fuck. I'm evil. I am evil. I hate this disorder because I love it. I hate this disorder because I want to perfect it. I want a perfect my eating disorder so badly. I want perfect bones. I want to be thinspiration.
I want my boyfriend to become protective of me because of how fragile I am. I want to make people sad. And evious. I want to be as light as a feather. I want to walk down a street knowing I'm the thinnest girl there. I want to be the smallest girl at work. I want to be weak and vulnerable.

watch me. I'll get there.

Watching Fat People Sneeze is HILARIOUS.

THIS. DIET. ROCKS. I know it's only been two days, but I went from 127 to 125.5 in two days!! I'm only 4.5 pounds away from my second goal weight of 120!! I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday I was trying to get into my classes for college. Hard as FUCK. There are like 30 people waiting for each class. Ridiculous. But, anyway, TODAAAY I finally got my add code to get into a Guidance 101 class... which is basically "How to Start Out in College and NOT Become a Huge Freshman Fuck-Up and Dishonor Your Entire Family for Eternity...101."
As far as Ana goes, I'm feeling really really good about it. It's SO much easier to not eat now because I'm running around for college and job hunting. Now all I need is a car and a gym membership. Speaking of job hunting, I applied at a pizza place near my house. I used the ol' Sparkley Red Push-Up Bra and Tight Jeans on 'em. And he seemed to really like me ;) I've heard it's easy to work around food without eating it, so I really hope I get this job... The guy I talked to totes wants to fuck me, so I'm almost sure I'll get it.
So, right now, I'm kinda winding down. Watching Here Comes Honey-BooBoo for some...excellent fatspo. How do you guys feel about "Fatspo" or "Reverse Thinspo"? If you don't know what it is, it's basically pictures of people you don't want to look like (fat, ugly bitches). It's designed, I imagine, to make you realize that if you eat, you'll eventually look like that. A sort of "you-dont-want-this-do-you" sort of thing, if you will. Honestly, it works for me. I might be going to Hell for this, but, when I look at those people, it just reassures the EVIL that I know food to be.
I wrote a list of everything wrong with my body i.e. Love Handles, Arm Fat, Back Fat, Thighs Touching, Flabby Tummy. Uck. It's motivating to say the very least. You know what else is motivating? Hot boys that like me. FINALLY.
I want to be skinny for this one boy we'll call M. He's AMAZING. And his body.. ugh. He told me he works out til he throws up. I'm like "Sweetie, you shouldn't over-exercise, it's bad for you." Then I was like ... Ellie, you run til you throw up all the time. So, I guess I shouldn't be saying anything. But if I have any reason to get skinny.. it's this boy. So, I'm also using him for motivation. I have a lot of methods. I drew pink lines around my wrist, like a permanent bracelet, around both wrists. I drew a little pink dragonfly on one of them for my "Ana Bracelets." It works pretty well :)


eating isn't very CHANEL.

Anyway, I'm dying my hair back to my natural brunette. I'll be more sultry this way... ;) I'll be like those gorgeous skinny, long-haired brunettes you see on your thinspo. I'll get to wear tiny ripped up jean shorts and pretty bralets. I'll dance around and smoke ciggies and flirt and sing and boys will like it. They'll like me. They'll kiss me. They'll help me when I'm drunk.
I'll be the "cute pizza factory counter girl." I'll get to wear big sweaters... I'll get to jump on boys... I'll get to be adorable without trying.

You're Not Alone by Saosin

This is going to be short because I'm in the middle of a breakdown right now. I've just watched the film "A Secret Between Friends." This isn't a good thing to be doing on the night before my first day of college... fuck I guess it's 1 am huh.. Well anyway.
The song in the title? It came on as I was looking in the mirror naked, as I've grown used to doing night after night, hour after hour when I can't sleep. I broke down.
The guy I went to the beach with? Hasn't texted me since.
I was too fat. I was too fat for him, I know it. I KNOW IT. He took one look at me and decided I wasn't good enough. The only reason he kissed me is he felt SORRY FOR THE WHALE. It was a pitty date, he knew I was in love with him before. I was stupid to think he could love a 126 POUND COW LIKE ME. 
What was I saying? Oh, yes, "A Secret Between Friends." Well, I certainly recommend this film for parents of teenaged girls and friends of potential Anas. But for Anas themselves, well, let's just say it triggered this breakdown along with "You're Not Alone." The co-star in the film, Jen, she's the PERSONIFICATION of Ana. For sure. Giving some pretty good tips.
For example, when the main character was in recovery, she discussed her daily calorie intake with the nutritionist and she had a pretty solid diet:
Breakfast: Water or tea.
Morning Snack: Gum
Lunch: One cracker and some pickles or carrots and water or diet coke.
Afternoon Snack: Gum.
Dinner: Salad or raw veggies.

I think I can do that. Fuck, I've tried everything else. And I'm nothing if not DESPERATE to be under 120 by September. That's 11 days away. Today marks the first day of college. Let's get pretty!
Well, ladies and gents, I'm gonna wipe these tears away and wakeup nice and empty tomorrow <3 TOODLIES :)

Disco.

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I'm officially a wanorexic. I fucked up on my Ana Camp... I went to actual camp and all my family packed was cookies and peanut m&ms. I didn't gain too much tho.. But today's definately a green tea day... maybe tomorrow too.

I need to get into that gym so I hope that lady calls back soon, I can't wait to set foot on a tredmill and run until I can't breathe. My belly's looking flatter, that's perhaps because I haven't eaten in a while. I fucking suck at this. I might as well just fast. I've got the teapot on the stove so hopefully my huge fucking thighs will keep me motivated.
My mom's being a fucking cunt this morning, as usual. It's SUMMER VACATION and she insists I get up at five AM. And you know what, getting up at 5 wouldn't be horrible if she actually had something for me to do, like chores or work or something. But no. She just wakes me up so I'll be up. It's like "Bitch, let me sleep. It's the last week of summer, on Monday, I'll be thrown to the college hounds, just let me fucking sleep in while I can." Her and her fucking husband are really REALLY getting on my nerves. They need to leave me the fuck alone..
Anyway, so about college... I'm really excited. I'm going to a community college. The name sounds kinda ghetto but it's not I hope. On Monday I'm supposed to sit into a bunch of classes and ask the professor to squeeze me in at the end. Sounds like an easy day right? Wrong. I'm so afraid of rejection. That's why I hate job hunting. It's so simple, right? Just ask for a manager and ask for a job opening, right? Not for me. I'm so afraid that they'll say "um no." Or "we're not hiring, sorry." And then I'll have to walk away trying to be cool about it and everyone will see. It's so embarassing. I guess that's how Ana came into my life, huh, being afraid of rejection. People reject people who are fat and who aren't beautiful. I didn't want to be rejected like I was so much in middle school. When I was fat.
My peppermint green tea is done :) hot hot. I feel so skinny when I drink tea. There's this tea, Celestial Berry Tea. Whenever I make it, the smell reminds me of Ana. I think it's because it was the first tea I ever had to keep myself from eating. I think tea is the best meal substitute.
I need to surround myself with pro ana again. The only problem with that is I'm afraid mymother will find out... fuck it I'm moving out. My grandpa told me I should move out because I told him that all my mother cares about is her stupid husband and buying things that dead people owned.
Hm. well it's 9:21 AM  right now so I guess I have nothing to report. If I think of anything anorexic-y, I'll add it ;)

the itsy bitsy Ana

So yesterday was incredible. I went on my very first date. A real date. With a real boy. He took me to the beach. I was so nervous. I know what you're thinking: "the beach? like with bikinis? ohmygosh you poor fat little girl." And you're absolutely right. He didn't seem too disgusted with my body while we were in the ocean. But while we were sunbathing...
I don't know, he kept touching me, like all over my tummy. Kill me. I did feel a teeeeensey bit better when he grabbed onto my hipbone tho... I felt thin. Sortof. And we kissed a little. I love the beach. And I loved being there with an actual boy, finally. I remember being at the beach before and seeing those thin girls with boys. But now I was one of those girls...a fat version, but one of them nonetheless!
I felt pretty. For the first time in my life without stripping on Skype for random men, I actually felt pretty.
But it all turned to shit. I woke up from that gorgeous dream this morning when I weighed myself. 127.
127.

127.

Fuck. So now I'm drinking my Ana tea (the Celestial Wild Berry) and my smart water in hopes of losing it. I asked my mother for a new bathroom scale and a gym membership. I need to run these pounds off. It's killin me to think about how much skinnier I could be by now if I could go to the gym once in a flippin' while. Well my friend David just got a car :D I can shamelessly use him fuckyeah.
Okay so, gym: done; school: done; boy: kinda done; car: ... ; job: ... ; CARELESSLY GAINING SIX POUNDS LIKE A FAT FUCKING FAGGOT: DEFINATELY DONE.

gymgymgymgymgymgymgymgym I need to run. I need to run. I need to run. If I dont run I'll get fat. If I get fat I'll die. I'll surely get fat and die. I need to die skinny. I can't die fat. I have to die skinny. Fragile, wrapped in Ana's arms, I will go from this world.
By the time I'm finished with this first semester of college, I want to be underweight, that's 114 atleast. I will be pretty. I will be tiny. Itsy bitsy.

the itsy bitsy Ana
gave up the need to eat
down came her weight
it swept her off her feet.
out came her bones
to shine for all to see
and the itsy bitsy Ana
was finally happy.

I wrote that bitches. If you steal it, there will be Hell to pay. Make sure you cite my blog ;) <3

Ana Camp Days 8&9

Day 8- 5 calories
Day 9- 30 calories

I just don't feel like eating anything.
Imagine something with me?
You're 14. Just coming out of the stages of thinking boys are gross. Kindof starting to like them a little. Just learning to flirt. You have a best friend. A skinny bestfriend (this was before Ana). She's pretty and adorable and sweet. And she knows how to talk to boys.
You like a boy... You introduce her to him. He likes her. Okay, we can brush that off, he was a dick anyway. Look, here comes abother one. This one seems to think you're pretty. He starts to talk to you. You start to like him. He meets your skinny bestfriend... He stops talking to you. Hm. That's some bad luck. Okay, we love our bestfriend, she deserves some boys too :p
Okay moving on. you're a little older now. Really starting to like boys. Haven't had a boyfriend yet, but hey, we're young. Oh, here's one. He's tall, handsome, sweet, amazing, talking to your bestfriend... oh. Again? Okay, well.. why not me this time? Okay, well we can't control who he likes. Not anyones fault.
Now you're seventeen.. And it's happening again. And again. And again. And again. Doesn't matter if the bestfriend changes.

Do you see how, the first couple times, you're okay with it.. you can just brush it off.. But after a while.. after the umpteenth time it happens.. you see how it can wear you down? You see where you might develop some sort of hatred for yourself.
I'm so confused. I'm pretty. I am. I have no problem meeting boys. They just like my friends. All of them. Every time. I know it's stupid to cry. But boys are one of the main reasons I starve. And I know that's stupid. I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to say or how skinny I have to be for a boy to like me.

ugh this is dumb. If it wasn't for music, I'd be dead, let's just say that. Music makes me feel special. And pretty. Like boys are supposed to. But they don't.

So you see why I don't feel like eating anything. I want to starve until my bestfriend is INVISIBLE next to me. I want to be the skinny bestfriend. I want to be the friend that the boys ignore you for. I want to be the friend you introduce to guys and they instanly fall for her. I will make you invisible bitch. I'll be the pretty one. I'll be the one going on dates. Just watch me.

Ana Camp Days 6&7

Day 6- 60 calories
Day 7- 10 calories

Forgive my negligence yesterday. I don't really know what happened. Well.. nothing happened. And thus, yesterday went fantastic as I didnt eat anything really. For a lot of these under-100-calorie days, I just fast. I dont know why :( I suck at ABC diets.
I bet you're wondering what happened at Dream Boy's party. It was actually pretty lame until I met one 20 year old guy amongst the sea of teenagers looking to get drunk. He was very nice and tall and awkward and he appreciates my weirdness, which I quite like. I spent some time talking to him and then at the end of the night, Mr. Perfect gave me a hug and said "text me tomorrow." I was like F'CKYEEAAAHHHHH.
I haven't really been paying attention to my eating.. But that's because I haven't really eaten anything so there's nothing to record or stress over or purge. It's quite nice, starving. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to blame yourself for. Nothing to make you dirty, or evil, or fat. No stress. The real "stress" of my eating disorder only comes when I try to eat. When I try to not worry, when I try not to starve. That's when I start freaking out and I get major anxiety.
So, question of the day, or should I say the last two days, for the two of you that read this blog:
When you guys have boyfriends or girlfriends, how do you tell them about your fears of gaining weight? How do you explain yourself when you don't eat the pasta on your date, or you don't touch the popcorn at the movies? Do you tell them about your ED? Or do you try to play it off and hide it like you did from your parents? I'm just wondering because I have a small feeling I might start dating soon, and I don't know exactly how to approach it. I HATE telling people because they always think they're the ones that are going to change your mind and your entire perception of yourself. Like, theyre gonna cure your mind and make Ana go away.
So... if I do get a boyfriend, like a serious one, when should I tell him? When he asks to go steady? Or when he notices I'm not eating? Or should I just try to deny it if he says something? I don't know. Maybe he wont notice... I'm too fat to have an eating disorder anyway.
#Ohmygodbitchjustshutthefuckup. I know. I shouldn't say that. I'm not too fat to have an eating disorder, no one is. Like my jab to Demi Lovato: I apologize. I'm not taking it back. But I do apologize. If I saw my picture on a blog saying "I don't see why she says she has an ED she's too fat for one." I'd be like WUDJU SAY BITCHH?! so.. sorry, Demi. Love you, girl.

**EDIT: oohhshit. I'm sorry so I'm thinking about posting a progress pic on the 15th or 16th because it's half-way through the month and all soooo... Yeah.. might not be much of a difference buuuuttt fuck yo shit.

Ana Camp Day 5

50 Calorie allowance today. And I've had about that amount. Two dwarf apples, fuck yeah. So tell me if you guys have experienced this: When fasting, you feel skinny as fuck. Whether it be because of the hunger or the hunger pangs or the tummy growls that make you feel beautiful and weak. When you're about to fall over because you're blacking out. You just feel empty and lovely and its wonderful. But the second you eat something... all the sudden you gained like fuckin 10 pounds like that. You walk by a mirror you just see your belly bloated and jiggling and ughhargrarrhghagrgahhagarrr.. shouldn't have had that dwarf apple. I love fasting so much and I fucking HATE eating after a fast. I hate it.
So I got invited to a wee kickback tonight... By that guy that I used to be infatuated by. I'm not really giddy or anything.. But he has a pool... and I have a bikini under my clothes. I KNOW for a fact there's gonna be smokin' hot chicks there with smokin' hot bodies and what the fuck is my doughy ass gonna be doing? Pouting? NO. That's not sexy, so here's the plan:
I will be completely 100% fake aaaasss FUCK. I will take all my clothes off, I will smile. I will put my hands on my hips and stand next to the twigs and I will feel like a goddamned trichechus.

But I wont eat SHIT. I wont(might, I might) drink... I WONT FUCKING SMOKE WEED FUCK. I'll try to get some fags and I will act completely confident. Because confidence is sexy, ladies. Don't take it from me, 'cause how many boyfriends have I had(none), but, when you're all insecure about your body n shit, its NOT SEXY. At all. Take Kat Von D for example:

Listen, I love the bitch... But girl can lose a few. But do guys care? FUCK NO! Because she's confident as hell and she doesn't act like a little insecure faggot. She puts on a bikini because FUCK YOU and she rocks that shit. She's so awesome dude. If I was mentally healthy, she'd be my goal.



...So yeah, you'll hear about the kickback tomorrow I guess.. wish me luck with the acting confident shit... peace.



Ana Camp Day 4

It seems much easier to just fast for the duration of this holiday so I'm just gonna do that. When in doubt about caloric content of things, to not eat is better than taking a chance and eating something. Eating things without knowing the exact caloric content terrifies me, as I'm sure some of you can relate.
Ever since I first discovered it in a Tumblr post, Anorexic Alice in Hungerland (composed by a very talented Pro Ana Tumblr) has become sort of a ritual to prepare me for the day ahead. I'm about to copy it to my blog simply because I've fallen in love with it.

Anorexic Alice in Hungerland

Curiouser and curiouser, you will wander along rainbow walkways, through grandiose gardens and Mad Hatter masquerade balls. Munch on the magic mushroom and miraculously materialize into a giant girl, bursting through broken doorways. Ingest the evil cake claiming "Eat Me," and watch as your skin stretches, your dainty doll stiches screaming as they snap and you pour out in a ponderous puddle. Eat anything in Hungerland, and you're guarunteed to grow, your image imposing on the impressive idols of thinness: Whoever heard of a model walking down the runway wearing a house as a hat? Forget ever being called FAT as you shift your gaze to the glass table center-staged on checkerboard floors. Collect the crystal bottle with the cream-coloured ribbon that ties the tiny tag telling of the one truth among the haze of hysteria: "Drink Me," and take pleasure as the potion for perfection pours down your throat. Smile as you steadily shrink until you're petite enough to persuade disorderly doorknobs to turn and hurl you headfirst into Hungerland.

Once you've stepped into the spine of you spectacular storybook, painted with pictures of pretty poppies who never pig out on pastries and dancing dandelions who never dig into dinner, you can mute the moans of hungry tummies at maddening tea parties. Steer clear of the sugar bowl, distract yourself as you find delight in the delirious dormouse who dictates sideways songs to the teapot and saucers. Crazed on caffiene in china cups, sip mania with the Mad Hatter and the March Hare as you skip around the table; tireless circles to burn calories. The cheshire cat cracks a crescent moon smile at your excellence as A n o r e x i c  A l i  c e.

Frolic down footpaths until you crash into the Caterpillar, carefully count calories as you fly high on hookah about hunger pangs. Blow beautiful O's, zero's floating by in fantastical emblems of allowed caloric limits. Swish through the smoke of insanity. Nothing more than a wisp of a waif of yourself. Recite the rhymes that remind you to resist terrifying temptation:

"How doth the little crocodile

improve his shining tail.

And pour the WATERS of the nile

on every golden scale.

How cheerfully he seems to grin,

how neatly spreads his claws.

And welcomes little fishies in,

with gently smiling jaws."

Eventually you'll encounter the heavyset Queen of Hearts, but you're exempt from her execution, your collarbones too sharp for any card to seize you. Your head is already gone away. Turn cartwheels for the crowd as you crush the Queen in her croquet games, flouncing a flamingo about as you hit hedgehogs, hole-in-one, a goal gained on the grass for every goal weight you reach, a cadaverous champion. Paint the roses red to protect your pretty secret, skinny stomach concealed by curtsies and mild manners.

Whisk away from the world of rolling heads to seek out the White Rabbit, be sure to scratch down how many calories you burn by sprinting after him, and laugh as you lose the weight that ruined your life in the real world. Make merry and mess around with the nonsensical nuts of Hungerland, enjoy how everyone there is empty of sanity.

When the day is done, drop to knobby knees and pray that you're never pulled out of your wonderful world and dropped back into doomed reality. There is no waking up from this dream in a field of daisies for A n o r e x i c  A l i c e, only darkness as you decompose six-feet deep in the dirt.

...SO that's that. um. I find it incredibly inspiring and extremely well-written. I read it most every morning to really get myself in the mindset of the day. If I feel as if I'm this whispy beautiful character, it makes fasting and counting calories almost like a game of make-believe. Don't lose hope, my dears. I have copied Anorexic Alice in Hungerland into my Ana Book. It's only a few paragraphs, if you write it in really whimsical cursive, it looks really cool. I sugest, if you like it as much as I do, writing or typing it up somewhere you can see it every day.

Ana Camp Day 3

Today I woke up, packed two bags and piled into my step father's candy-apple red SUV with my mother for the eight-hour trip to my home town of Las Vegas, NV. The day started out well; my mother had bought me a self-filtering water bottle. So I sat happily in the back seat jammin' out to Pandora Radio, watching my parents stuff their mortal faces with peanuts and cheez-its (BLEGH!) and was I tempted? NO :D
I sat back and listened to my music, sipping my water, feeling my tummy growl like a lion, with much glee. Whilst stopped at a Bank of America about half-way through my journey, I was offered 33 cals worth of tiny oyster crackers. Feeling a bit peckish, and deeming them not in violation of my 100 calorie limit, I gingerly snacked on them. Done for the day right?
Enter Grammies house stage left. Macaroni & cheese as supporting actors. Music conducted by tummy growls...Strike three at Ana Camp. And I didn't purge because fuck my life. So this is my punishment: sitting here feeling shitty as fuck with a full-ass fuckin belly, unable to look at the Pro Ana tags because, have you ever looked at Pro Ana shit after just eating? You feel like the fattest cunt ever to waddle the earth. Just picture upon picture upon post upon post basically saying:
"nee-ner, nee-ner, nee-ner. I'm a better Ana than you. I haven't had anything but 28 grapes all week and I just got done over-exercising and my boyfriend says I'm too skinny but oh, how he loves my hipbones and THIGH GAP PROGRESS PICS LOLZ!" -_- shutthefuckupbitch its cause you live alone. If it wasn't for my grandmother, seriously I would have successfully fasted all fucking day. I mean, I should have had 100 cals. But fuck that... fuuuuuck. Whats tomorrow's limit...
200. 200 calorie limit tomorrow. Seems do-able. Honestly, I just want to fast the entire time I'm in Vegas, its so hard to calorie count when you're on holiday.
Atleast my makeup looks sick as hell today.
I got a message recently telling me I'm a "curvy girl hater" and that I should "let girls embrace their curves and be happy with themselves even if they're big."
Okay. Let's get some shit straight. Number One: There is a difference between being "curvy" and being FAT.
Kim Kardashian. Is curvy. And she is SEXY AS HELL.
Precious. Is fat. And she looks like a melty tootsie roll.
Number Two. I ABSOLUTLEY think, without a shadow of a doubt, that you should embrace your body no matter what size you are. Size 0 to Infinity. As I have said many times before in this blog, I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS. It causes me to loathe my body no matter what the scale says.
Just thought I should straighten that out.
thin.
thin.
thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thinner. SKINNY. THIN. THIN. THIN. DARLING
STICK YOUR FINGERS DOWN YOUR THROAT, HACK OFF YOUR TITS, KEEP TAKING THE PILLS AND DONT COME BACK UNTIL YOU'RE LOOKING LIKE SOMETHING.

Ana Camp Day 2

I'm horrid at this. Binged and purged on tuna salad in a tortilla. Plus I had a vanilla chai frap this morning. I need to start writing these caloric limits on my hand. So today's a fail, as was yesterday. But tomorrow is a new day!!
Ugh, this is so embarassing, dear ones. I need to be skinny for this totally gorgeous boy that suddenly wants my nuts. I need to be 115 for him. He's beautiful. No one I see myself dating, but gorgeous anyway. Stop eating, Ellie!! This camp doesn't have time for FATTIES!! Every one else here is doing fine and you're FAILING. How embarassing. To be the only one in all of Ana Camp to FAIL at actually being Ana. You get one more chance or I'll kick you out, because you're not ready.
So anyway. I need school to start. Not eating is so fucking much easier when I'm in school.
I need a cigarette.

Sorry for the short-ass post.

Ana Camp Day 1

Ana save me. Ana save me... I've been evil. I've been so unclean. So impure. So fucking imperfect.
"You hav been whoreing yourself around food like a fucking normal. So I'm SHIPPING YOU OFF to Ana Boot Camp. Welcome to camp Donwannabeafattie on Lake Wannabeaskinny."
If you guys want to do this with me feel free!! Here's the camp schedule:
Day 1: 5 calories
Day 2: 20 calories
Day 3: 100 calories
Day4: 200 calories
Day 5: 50 calories
Day 6: 60 calories
Day 7: 10 calories
Day 8: 5 calories
Day 9: 30 calories
Day 10: 80 calories
Day 11: 5 calories
Day 12: 100 calories
Day 13: 5 calories
Day 14: 200 calories
Day 15: 10 calories
Day 16: 5 calories
Day 17: 50 calories
Day 18: 40 calories
Day 19: 20 calories
Day 20: 80 calories
Day 21: 120 calories
Day 22: 80 calories
Day 23: 5 calories
Day 24: 100 calories
Day 25: 20 calories
Day 26: 70 calories
Day 27: 5 calories
Day 28: 60 calories
Day 29: 20 calories
Day 30: 100 calories
Day 31: Weigh-in.

So today's Day 1, that means 5 calories... That means Dentyne gum. Shit. Let's see how much I weeeeiiigh!! ...125. Fuck. Not as bad as I thought I would be but I fucking hate this plateau. So 5 calories it is.
My muscles are starting to get hellza sore... It sucks. Every day. I wake up and my neck and my chest and my shoulder muscles hurt like really bad. But pain is good.
Well I'm going to do this. I've seen amazing results from Ana boot camps, dude.

So.. Here's me at 125lbs. Fuck.

(oohh, nipples. Get over it, grow up.)