Finally, broskies. I finally purchased my own fucking computer. God Damn. That took long enough didn't it. It's a gorgeous model, ASUS Ultrabook, Lime Green, super sleek. And skinny like Ana(: The reason I got this notebook, or the reason my mother has quelled herself with, is that I will be starting college in the fall. Ah, college. Free to fast and whore around to my little heart's content. And no one to be fucking concerned. God I fucking hate that word. "I'm just concerned about you, dear." Well here's an idea: take your concerned little heroic brain and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. I don't care how much you supposedly care about my well-being. This is my body. Stop trying to control it. I've already had my body controlled from a very young age and that fucked up my whole life. Don't need others to control my body in adult life. Nooo thank you.
Anyway, how have Ana and I been lately, Hm... Well, I'm definately not eating normally, but I'm definately not fasting. Distracting myself has been the hardest thing. Before I met Ana, eating was a hobby. Hm, I'm hella bored. What should I do... There's Girl Scout Cookies in the cabinet... Awesome. Aaand that's how you got to 149 pounds, dearie. I'm stuck at 125, a sort of plateau. This is the first one I've been in, through 15 pounds of weightloss, can you believe it? My lowest weight to date has been 121 and I'm soooo desperate to get into the teens now. I'm determined. More water, more exercise, more fasting. I need to get with the program!! Ana doesn't wait forever. And when she boogies, she leaves you with a more fucked up metabolism than Lindsay Lohan. Let's get back on track, Ellie!! 11 more pounds til your first underweight goal of 114!
By the way, if you want a good motivation method, shittalk yourself. I know you bitches do that all the time in your head. But I mean seriously, verbally (it helps if there's no one around you when this occurs), open your mouth, look in the mirror and say "Holy. Fuck. You are fat. But you can be skinny!! You can be beautiful and flawless like [insert thinspiration here]. But you're fat. So you need to WORK, BITCH!! No one just wakes up skinny! Stick to your diet! No more mercy!! If you skip an exercise that's one half hour of running at the end of the week! Work, fat bitch, work!" Trust me, it works. The more Richard-Simmon's-Evil-Twin the better ;)
Today I had a double blended vanilla chai frapuccino with whipped cream from Starbucks AND sweet potato fries from Carl's Jr. And tonight I guess we're taking my hot step sister and going to see The Dark Knight Rises. Yes, my step sister is hot. Yes, I would totally do her. No, I'm not gay. She's just super hot. She's one of my many real-life thinspos. And it's extra Wanna-Fuckin-BE-That-Bitch points cause she has an attractive boyfriend. And you know what movie theaters mean, AnaGirls... That's right. Popcorn and butter and salt and FAT. Candy and soda and sugar and FAT. Hotdogs and nachos and chips and FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT. Ugh. So hard to resist that fluffy buttery goodness when watching Christian Bale and Anne Hathaway kick some bad guy's ass. By the way, this has nothing to do with anorexia, but just by the way... If Anne Hathaway... fucks up this movie.. I will PERSONALLY hunt her down... scalp her... make her eat the scalp... break both her legs, and then suck out the marrow with an industrial carwash vacuum..
..
..totally not a psychopath.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Safe & Sound.
I weigh 125 today. Fuck. I've been eating again. I don't know what's come over me. I fucking hate myself for it. Why the fuck am I gonna have a blog about anorexia when I'm such a fucking wanorexic. I'm never eating again. I'm going to drag this water fast out as long as I have to to shed these next five pounds. Water and exercise. Nothing else. Not even gum. Every little calorie adds up. Yesterday was my step dad's mother's birthday. So I went over to my step aunt's house prepared to fast. And what did I do?
I fucking sat at her kitchen table and ate handfuls of LAYS and salsa and grapes and green peppers and ranch like a fucking commoner. Of course I could feel Ana's cold grip of guilt come over me and I thought I could have a quick chat with Mia without any one noticing. And that's what it was. A VERY quick chat. I might have gotten three tablespoons out. Fuck.
Even as I'm writing this I'm thinking about the chocolate chip cookies we bought yesterday. You know the ones from Albertson's that come in that purple bag and theyre just full of gooey chocolatey OMNOMS? Yeah... But i WONT GIVE IN. I must starve. I must starve. I punched Ana in the gut way too many times yesterday. Today it's gonna be all about me and her <3 best friends forever.
I just hope that number goes down tomorrow. Just incase I forget what I'm doing I wrote "FAT, 125, kitchenslut, cow, moo, oink, pig, huge, chunky, heffer, big, and no" on my hand last night. Incase I forget. Like Why the fucking fuck would I be wearing an Ana bracelet if I fucking eat like a normal person.
Speaking of normal people, I found myself wondering this today: how can anyone be "normal" about eating and weight? How could that number not dictate your day? How can how much FAT you see in the mirror NOT keep you from eating? How can you NOT count calories?? I mean, this is your IMAGE. This is how the world SEES you. How can you just eat without remorse? Getting fatter and fatter and just letting it happen. MAKING yourself fatter and fatter, it's unattractive. People say that anorexics are sick in the mind or whatever, but how could you NOT be trying to perfect your body? How can you be stuffing the FAT into yourself with your own two hands and not be terrified?
Just a thought.
I'm so fucking excited for college, bro. I'll have so much time to myself, I can lie about what I eat. I'll have motivation, my own money to buy my OWN fucking computer so I wont have to blog in the InPrivate tab... yes, I use the InPrivate tab, and NO its not for porn.
okay its for porn.
I fucking sat at her kitchen table and ate handfuls of LAYS and salsa and grapes and green peppers and ranch like a fucking commoner. Of course I could feel Ana's cold grip of guilt come over me and I thought I could have a quick chat with Mia without any one noticing. And that's what it was. A VERY quick chat. I might have gotten three tablespoons out. Fuck.
Even as I'm writing this I'm thinking about the chocolate chip cookies we bought yesterday. You know the ones from Albertson's that come in that purple bag and theyre just full of gooey chocolatey OMNOMS? Yeah... But i WONT GIVE IN. I must starve. I must starve. I punched Ana in the gut way too many times yesterday. Today it's gonna be all about me and her <3 best friends forever.
I just hope that number goes down tomorrow. Just incase I forget what I'm doing I wrote "FAT, 125, kitchenslut, cow, moo, oink, pig, huge, chunky, heffer, big, and no" on my hand last night. Incase I forget. Like Why the fucking fuck would I be wearing an Ana bracelet if I fucking eat like a normal person.
Speaking of normal people, I found myself wondering this today: how can anyone be "normal" about eating and weight? How could that number not dictate your day? How can how much FAT you see in the mirror NOT keep you from eating? How can you NOT count calories?? I mean, this is your IMAGE. This is how the world SEES you. How can you just eat without remorse? Getting fatter and fatter and just letting it happen. MAKING yourself fatter and fatter, it's unattractive. People say that anorexics are sick in the mind or whatever, but how could you NOT be trying to perfect your body? How can you be stuffing the FAT into yourself with your own two hands and not be terrified?
Just a thought.
I'm so fucking excited for college, bro. I'll have so much time to myself, I can lie about what I eat. I'll have motivation, my own money to buy my OWN fucking computer so I wont have to blog in the InPrivate tab... yes, I use the InPrivate tab, and NO its not for porn.
okay its for porn.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
And Oh, To See The Sunshine Through The Gap Between My Thighs...
Today was okay until about 30 minutes ago.
I woke up ready to starve. I thinspired myself and starved myself gleefully throughout. My mother then came to take me shopping at Target for my step brother's fiance's bridal shower BLEGH. Anyway after we got back, I was pretty confident. I began writing things like "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" and "Perfect pretty princesses let their perfect bones show" over and over and over again on paper. It was a wonderful way to pass the time and distract myself from eating.
Then I ate No Pudge brownie. And peanuts. Fuck.
I knew I had to be punished. It's one of Ana's comandments. So out come my razor blades and I make five cuts along the inside of my forearm jut below the elbow. As I sit there waching it bleed, something that fascitnates me, I admire my work when my mother bursts in just in time to see me jump and hide something small under my thigh.
Of course, she wanted to know what it was. And I couldn't just say "Nothing" and have her go "Oh okay, have a nice night honey." God, how I wish my mother was ignorant. No. She siezes the blade and is now concerned with my goddamned mental health, wanting to help "occupy my day" by "making daily plans" like SHUTTHEFUCKUPANDLETMELIVEMYOWNFUCKINGLIFE,WOMAN.
She doesn't understand something: I'm not depressed. I'm not suicidal. And I DEFINATELY DONT WANT HER FUCKING HELP. With anything. At all. Ever. Ever.
Today whilst we were out we went to an estate sale in an old folks community. And I can't tell you how much I wanted to buy that fucking house. Secluded, teal, Florida style. Big open space for entertaining, wonderfully private patio, all for me to starve in PEACE. Peace. Aloneness. Anorexic Alice in Hungerland. Surrounding myself with Ana and all her sick beauty.
Tomorrow is a new fucking day, whore. I will wake up in Hungerland. I will be beautiful and perfect and frolic in the magic of starvation.
Pitbull is really really sexy. He makes me feel slutty.
Anyway I really fuckin' hope my mom doesn't look into this. I hope I get to see my therapist and weave perfect little lies through my perfect teeth. Teeth that have not been tainted or spoiled with food. I will fill my empty tummy with water. Yummy, perfect, sweet, zero-calorie water.
Isn't it odd, the way we treat the act of eating?
Before eating: "I really shouldn't do this.. I haven't eaten in a while tho... And I'm really hungry.. Maybe just a little bit.. Just a little."
During: "This is so fucking GOOD OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOOOOOMMM"
Directly after: "Must purge. Must purge. MUST FUCKING PURGE. Im fat. Im fat. Im so fucking fat. Im gonna gain like 300 pounds. Fuck my life. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FuckIT."
30 minutes later: "wow.. I ate 36 peanuts.. What the fuck is wrong with me."
I literally regret EVERY FUCKING THING I ingest. Every fucking thing. Every morsel. Every tiny calorie. I used to eat 2,000 calories a day, holy shit. The only thing I dont ever regret putting in my tummy is water. And yet, I still fuck up. I still induce that sucky feeling. Why...
New thinspiration: the ex-fiance in Date Movie. Look her up. She's hot as FUCK.
Staying up into the wee hours of the morning so I can sleep in and not eat breakfast or whatever. Hopefully mom will forget about this shit. My nails fucking suck.. My hair sucks. My skin sucks. Fuck my life. I don't want help so soon. I want to be thin and weak and beautiful on my own first. God I can't fucking wait to move out.
My shirt sleeve is stained with blood cause I used it to cover up when the bitch came snooping. This is like one of my favorite shirts too.. fuck.
I need to get laid.
I woke up ready to starve. I thinspired myself and starved myself gleefully throughout. My mother then came to take me shopping at Target for my step brother's fiance's bridal shower BLEGH. Anyway after we got back, I was pretty confident. I began writing things like "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" and "Perfect pretty princesses let their perfect bones show" over and over and over again on paper. It was a wonderful way to pass the time and distract myself from eating.
Then I ate No Pudge brownie. And peanuts. Fuck.
I knew I had to be punished. It's one of Ana's comandments. So out come my razor blades and I make five cuts along the inside of my forearm jut below the elbow. As I sit there waching it bleed, something that fascitnates me, I admire my work when my mother bursts in just in time to see me jump and hide something small under my thigh.
Of course, she wanted to know what it was. And I couldn't just say "Nothing" and have her go "Oh okay, have a nice night honey." God, how I wish my mother was ignorant. No. She siezes the blade and is now concerned with my goddamned mental health, wanting to help "occupy my day" by "making daily plans" like SHUTTHEFUCKUPANDLETMELIVEMYOWNFUCKINGLIFE,WOMAN.
She doesn't understand something: I'm not depressed. I'm not suicidal. And I DEFINATELY DONT WANT HER FUCKING HELP. With anything. At all. Ever. Ever.
Today whilst we were out we went to an estate sale in an old folks community. And I can't tell you how much I wanted to buy that fucking house. Secluded, teal, Florida style. Big open space for entertaining, wonderfully private patio, all for me to starve in PEACE. Peace. Aloneness. Anorexic Alice in Hungerland. Surrounding myself with Ana and all her sick beauty.
Tomorrow is a new fucking day, whore. I will wake up in Hungerland. I will be beautiful and perfect and frolic in the magic of starvation.
Pitbull is really really sexy. He makes me feel slutty.
Anyway I really fuckin' hope my mom doesn't look into this. I hope I get to see my therapist and weave perfect little lies through my perfect teeth. Teeth that have not been tainted or spoiled with food. I will fill my empty tummy with water. Yummy, perfect, sweet, zero-calorie water.
Isn't it odd, the way we treat the act of eating?
Before eating: "I really shouldn't do this.. I haven't eaten in a while tho... And I'm really hungry.. Maybe just a little bit.. Just a little."
During: "This is so fucking GOOD OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOOOOOMMM"
Directly after: "Must purge. Must purge. MUST FUCKING PURGE. Im fat. Im fat. Im so fucking fat. Im gonna gain like 300 pounds. Fuck my life. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FuckIT."
30 minutes later: "wow.. I ate 36 peanuts.. What the fuck is wrong with me."
I literally regret EVERY FUCKING THING I ingest. Every fucking thing. Every morsel. Every tiny calorie. I used to eat 2,000 calories a day, holy shit. The only thing I dont ever regret putting in my tummy is water. And yet, I still fuck up. I still induce that sucky feeling. Why...
New thinspiration: the ex-fiance in Date Movie. Look her up. She's hot as FUCK.
Staying up into the wee hours of the morning so I can sleep in and not eat breakfast or whatever. Hopefully mom will forget about this shit. My nails fucking suck.. My hair sucks. My skin sucks. Fuck my life. I don't want help so soon. I want to be thin and weak and beautiful on my own first. God I can't fucking wait to move out.
My shirt sleeve is stained with blood cause I used it to cover up when the bitch came snooping. This is like one of my favorite shirts too.. fuck.
I need to get laid.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
ANA STRONG.
I can't eat anymore.
I cannot EVER eat ANYTHING. EVER AGAIN. Ever.
Ana won't let me. She won't let me down. She won't let me be ugly. She's not gonna let me get fat because of my disgusting addiction to food. Food has ruined me. It has made me impure. It has made me hideous. Food has ruined any chance I ever had for love or companionship. I have to stop myself. I have to listen to my Ana bracelet. I have to resist the EVIL urge to eat. It destroys me. All this pain. All my sacrifice. All my work for this almost kinda perfect body, food has RUINED IT ALL. It seduces me. It lies. Promising tiny pleasure for a tiny minute and then raping my mind with regret and self-hate. I hate food. I hate it. I hate my love for it. I hate my disgustingly human need for it.
I can do this. I can starve myself to the kind of perfection only Ana can help me attain. I can resist food. All of it. No more snacking. No more meals. No more empty calories. No more cheat days. Water. Water, Tea, Cigarettes, Diet Pills and Gum. I can do this. I will be perfect.
I have graduated high school as of today. As a graduation present, my parents are buying me a car. I can "go out to eat." I can "eat at work." I can "eat on the go." I will be shooting music videos and going on photoshoots and mini tours for my album promotion. Hardly anytime to sit down and eat. I will shrink, inch by inch. I will be in college, too much stress for food. And the more stress, the better. Stress makes me skinny.
My skin will suffer. My hair will suffer. My nails will suffer. My joints will suffer. But beauty is worth it.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so obsessed with achieving unattainable perfection?
The most exciting thing for me about getting a car is being able to go to the gym. Or just out to a random track for a run. Being able to totally distract myself from eating. Making money at my new job and being able to afford my own apple computer with that money because it won't be spent on food!
Today was good. I didn't eat anything except when I got home from my meeting with my manager today, I had some eggs and cheese :( blegh. Really shouldn't have happened but what's done is done. Im trying not to purge anymore because my music career is in its prime and I really don't wanna disappoint fans at my live shows with a fucked up Kelly Clarkson voice. I just wont eat.
I will be purely angelic. Beautifully empty. As gorgeous and boney and delicate as my hands. God I love my hands. They're nothing but bone. They're cold ALL THE TIME. They're long and lean and perfect. My hands are my thinspo. They make my strong. But there's stong, and then there's ANA STRONG. I will be Ana Strong. Perfect and empty and pure and strong.
The head bone's connected to the...neck bone. The neck bone's connected to the...back bone. The back bone's connected to the...hip bones. The hip bones' connected to the...thigh bones...
I cannot EVER eat ANYTHING. EVER AGAIN. Ever.
Ana won't let me. She won't let me down. She won't let me be ugly. She's not gonna let me get fat because of my disgusting addiction to food. Food has ruined me. It has made me impure. It has made me hideous. Food has ruined any chance I ever had for love or companionship. I have to stop myself. I have to listen to my Ana bracelet. I have to resist the EVIL urge to eat. It destroys me. All this pain. All my sacrifice. All my work for this almost kinda perfect body, food has RUINED IT ALL. It seduces me. It lies. Promising tiny pleasure for a tiny minute and then raping my mind with regret and self-hate. I hate food. I hate it. I hate my love for it. I hate my disgustingly human need for it.
I can do this. I can starve myself to the kind of perfection only Ana can help me attain. I can resist food. All of it. No more snacking. No more meals. No more empty calories. No more cheat days. Water. Water, Tea, Cigarettes, Diet Pills and Gum. I can do this. I will be perfect.
I have graduated high school as of today. As a graduation present, my parents are buying me a car. I can "go out to eat." I can "eat at work." I can "eat on the go." I will be shooting music videos and going on photoshoots and mini tours for my album promotion. Hardly anytime to sit down and eat. I will shrink, inch by inch. I will be in college, too much stress for food. And the more stress, the better. Stress makes me skinny.
My skin will suffer. My hair will suffer. My nails will suffer. My joints will suffer. But beauty is worth it.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so obsessed with achieving unattainable perfection?
The most exciting thing for me about getting a car is being able to go to the gym. Or just out to a random track for a run. Being able to totally distract myself from eating. Making money at my new job and being able to afford my own apple computer with that money because it won't be spent on food!
Today was good. I didn't eat anything except when I got home from my meeting with my manager today, I had some eggs and cheese :( blegh. Really shouldn't have happened but what's done is done. Im trying not to purge anymore because my music career is in its prime and I really don't wanna disappoint fans at my live shows with a fucked up Kelly Clarkson voice. I just wont eat.
I will be purely angelic. Beautifully empty. As gorgeous and boney and delicate as my hands. God I love my hands. They're nothing but bone. They're cold ALL THE TIME. They're long and lean and perfect. My hands are my thinspo. They make my strong. But there's stong, and then there's ANA STRONG. I will be Ana Strong. Perfect and empty and pure and strong.
The head bone's connected to the...neck bone. The neck bone's connected to the...back bone. The back bone's connected to the...hip bones. The hip bones' connected to the...thigh bones...
Monday, July 16, 2012
Demi Lovato has a FOOT FETISH?!
3:30 PM. I've been fasting fooooooor... 19 hours now?
I'm talking to a boy!! He has a foot fetish... months and months of starving and purging to get my body perfect for a boy, and I finally talk to one and he wants to see... my feet.. -_-
Well whatever, as I always say, attention is attention.
So about four or five weeks ago, I took this test. It's to see if I can just get my diploma early, test out of high school basically. And I should be getting the results in about three days or so... :D
I'm so excited. Because, my mum says, if I pass, I get a MAC :DDDDDDDDDD
I've always wanted oneeeeee. So I'm hella excited. I just hope I passed!
Dude, this guy wants a minute-long video of me wiggling my toes.. Like what the fuck is that?! How the hell do you get off on that? Like "oh, yeah baby, I like how you wiggle those toes, you dirty little slut. Yeeeaahh, flex your feet for me, baby. Oh... oh yeah.. that's so hot.."
Anyway. This fast has been tough. Especially since the cupcakes and icing from my birthday are still sitting right there on the counter in a Tupperware box.. taunting me.. seducing me.
GAH snap out of it, you SLUT! You can DO this!
Drink your water. Do jumping jacks. Look at thinspo. Don't just SLAP Ana in the face by EATING. fat. fat fattie!!
It is now 4:30PM. I'm watching STALKED: Someone's Watching. Is it weird that I want this guy to stalk me...? He's incredibly sexy. This bitch's like "Oh, he wouldn't leave me alone. I hated him so much. He was so scary. Blah blah blaaah." I'm like, bitch, he's SEXY. He's all sensual and his voice is all sexed and mmm. If I had a sexy-ass man following me, I'd be like "bring it on, baby."
..This is so bad. If you're reading this, and you've ever been stalked, I am so sorry. I'm sure it's absolutely aweful...
I fuckin' want Latisse.
I don't promote websites, as in, I don't take money in exchange for mentioning websites on my blog. But I just found this Pro Ana website called SkinnyGossip.com. It's incredible!! Thinspo upon thinspo! Skinny pride upon skinny pride! Celebrities, Models, Diet Plans, Excercise, Beauty Tips. It's amazing! One of the best I've found. Definitely.
5:45PM drinkin some low calorie hot chocolate. Not feelin' too hot about it honestly but, anything to keep myself from binging.
6:00PM Okay, many of you may very well stop reading my blog when you hear about what I'm about to talk about. And this might be horrible and sick and just plain wrong because of what she's allegedly gone through and blah blah blah but...
I do not think Demi Lovato qualifies as thinspo. At all. Yes, I know she's all "I hated my body, bulimia, self-harm, ladida." But, honestly... she doesn't... look very successful at starvingIMSORRY. Im sorry. It's aweful I know. I'm going to hell I know. But she has HUGE thighs, HUGE wings, and a pretty THICK midsection.
I just don't think she should be worshipped as an "Ana Angel."
I'm going to hell.
I'm talking to a boy!! He has a foot fetish... months and months of starving and purging to get my body perfect for a boy, and I finally talk to one and he wants to see... my feet.. -_-
Well whatever, as I always say, attention is attention.
So about four or five weeks ago, I took this test. It's to see if I can just get my diploma early, test out of high school basically. And I should be getting the results in about three days or so... :D
I'm so excited. Because, my mum says, if I pass, I get a MAC :DDDDDDDDDD
I've always wanted oneeeeee. So I'm hella excited. I just hope I passed!
Dude, this guy wants a minute-long video of me wiggling my toes.. Like what the fuck is that?! How the hell do you get off on that? Like "oh, yeah baby, I like how you wiggle those toes, you dirty little slut. Yeeeaahh, flex your feet for me, baby. Oh... oh yeah.. that's so hot.."
Anyway. This fast has been tough. Especially since the cupcakes and icing from my birthday are still sitting right there on the counter in a Tupperware box.. taunting me.. seducing me.
GAH snap out of it, you SLUT! You can DO this!
Drink your water. Do jumping jacks. Look at thinspo. Don't just SLAP Ana in the face by EATING. fat. fat fattie!!
It is now 4:30PM. I'm watching STALKED: Someone's Watching. Is it weird that I want this guy to stalk me...? He's incredibly sexy. This bitch's like "Oh, he wouldn't leave me alone. I hated him so much. He was so scary. Blah blah blaaah." I'm like, bitch, he's SEXY. He's all sensual and his voice is all sexed and mmm. If I had a sexy-ass man following me, I'd be like "bring it on, baby."
..This is so bad. If you're reading this, and you've ever been stalked, I am so sorry. I'm sure it's absolutely aweful...
I fuckin' want Latisse.
I don't promote websites, as in, I don't take money in exchange for mentioning websites on my blog. But I just found this Pro Ana website called SkinnyGossip.com. It's incredible!! Thinspo upon thinspo! Skinny pride upon skinny pride! Celebrities, Models, Diet Plans, Excercise, Beauty Tips. It's amazing! One of the best I've found. Definitely.
5:45PM drinkin some low calorie hot chocolate. Not feelin' too hot about it honestly but, anything to keep myself from binging.
6:00PM Okay, many of you may very well stop reading my blog when you hear about what I'm about to talk about. And this might be horrible and sick and just plain wrong because of what she's allegedly gone through and blah blah blah but...
I do not think Demi Lovato qualifies as thinspo. At all. Yes, I know she's all "I hated my body, bulimia, self-harm, ladida." But, honestly... she doesn't... look very successful at starvingIMSORRY. Im sorry. It's aweful I know. I'm going to hell I know. But she has HUGE thighs, HUGE wings, and a pretty THICK midsection.
I just don't think she should be worshipped as an "Ana Angel."
I'm going to hell.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Fuck.
I turned 17 Yesterday. My day was fantastic. I went to the beach with my best friend and he gave me 21 Jumpstreet... funniest fucking movie ever. Oh my God. I was dying.
But anyway... I am so fucking ashamed of my eating for the past three days, dudes. Honestly I've failed Ana so fucking much it's insane. I only hope she has enough grace to help me fast for the next three days. So get this:
On Friday, I didn't wake up planning to binge. But I don't know what the fuck happened, seriously... I was just sitting there watching Investigation Discovery... when I found myself reluctanly following my feet to the kitchen and eating a whole WHOLE bunch of complete SHIT. I'd tell you everything I ate with the calories n shit but I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING RECORD ANYTHING. Like what the fuck. What kind of a wannorexic am I?! Anyway I stuffed my fucking face, binging and purging ALL day. Basically ditching Ana for Mia. I guess I just thought "Fuck it, it's my birthday weekend."
And so began the Binge. All of Friday. ALL OF IT. Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Fuck you, Ana. Save me, Mia. Fuck my fucking life.
By Saturday I had of course realized my horrible mistake. I felt aweful.. All I ate was a couple french fries with my friend on the beach (beacuase he was begging me to). Then I had CHINESE. BUTT-FUCKING CHINESE. and CUPCAKES. CONFETTI FUCKING CUPCAKES, BITCH. MULTIPLE. FUCK. I had a couple today too. And PITA CHIPS. And peanuts. FUCK.
So yeah, there you go. Forgive me, Ana, for I have sinned... oh so fucking horribly. I am so sorry. Please give me the strength to FAST my fat ass OFF.
On the brightside, I got a sick-ass water bottle from Trader Joe's... So..
So, yeah. Those are my sins for the weekend. I feel.. so normal. So fat. So human. It makes me sick. I'm slipping away from being a "being," an "entity" such as Ana.
I swear. Mark this time: 8:33 PM. My 72 hour fast begins NOW. Nothing but water. NOTHING.
Forgive me, Ana, please. Have mercy.. God I hope my weight didn't suffer too much. I haven't weighed. I've been too afraid. Maybe after my three-day fast.
And ofcourse, God decided to have this day, the closing of a FAT-ASSED BINGE FUCKING FEST, to call a SUPER DELECTIBLY SEXY MALE to the pool today. I had to sit there looking like an albino seal bursting out of her bikini in all the wrong places. God, he was so hot.
I don't really know what else to write about without giving away my indentity... I feel like Superman or something. I don't even think anyone even reads this shit, but fuck.. Well, you already know I'm a well-known singer... with brown-sometimes-red-sometimes-black hair and blue eyes... fuck I could be Katy Perry or some shit..
Anyway, I'm off to drown myself in the pro ana tags at Tumblr.
Cheerio.
But anyway... I am so fucking ashamed of my eating for the past three days, dudes. Honestly I've failed Ana so fucking much it's insane. I only hope she has enough grace to help me fast for the next three days. So get this:
On Friday, I didn't wake up planning to binge. But I don't know what the fuck happened, seriously... I was just sitting there watching Investigation Discovery... when I found myself reluctanly following my feet to the kitchen and eating a whole WHOLE bunch of complete SHIT. I'd tell you everything I ate with the calories n shit but I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING RECORD ANYTHING. Like what the fuck. What kind of a wannorexic am I?! Anyway I stuffed my fucking face, binging and purging ALL day. Basically ditching Ana for Mia. I guess I just thought "Fuck it, it's my birthday weekend."
And so began the Binge. All of Friday. ALL OF IT. Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Fuck you, Ana. Save me, Mia. Fuck my fucking life.
By Saturday I had of course realized my horrible mistake. I felt aweful.. All I ate was a couple french fries with my friend on the beach (beacuase he was begging me to). Then I had CHINESE. BUTT-FUCKING CHINESE. and CUPCAKES. CONFETTI FUCKING CUPCAKES, BITCH. MULTIPLE. FUCK. I had a couple today too. And PITA CHIPS. And peanuts. FUCK.
So yeah, there you go. Forgive me, Ana, for I have sinned... oh so fucking horribly. I am so sorry. Please give me the strength to FAST my fat ass OFF.
On the brightside, I got a sick-ass water bottle from Trader Joe's... So..
So, yeah. Those are my sins for the weekend. I feel.. so normal. So fat. So human. It makes me sick. I'm slipping away from being a "being," an "entity" such as Ana.
I swear. Mark this time: 8:33 PM. My 72 hour fast begins NOW. Nothing but water. NOTHING.
Forgive me, Ana, please. Have mercy.. God I hope my weight didn't suffer too much. I haven't weighed. I've been too afraid. Maybe after my three-day fast.
And ofcourse, God decided to have this day, the closing of a FAT-ASSED BINGE FUCKING FEST, to call a SUPER DELECTIBLY SEXY MALE to the pool today. I had to sit there looking like an albino seal bursting out of her bikini in all the wrong places. God, he was so hot.
I don't really know what else to write about without giving away my indentity... I feel like Superman or something. I don't even think anyone even reads this shit, but fuck.. Well, you already know I'm a well-known singer... with brown-sometimes-red-sometimes-black hair and blue eyes... fuck I could be Katy Perry or some shit..
Anyway, I'm off to drown myself in the pro ana tags at Tumblr.
Cheerio.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Ana Survey.
Watching America's Next Top Model for incredible thinspo. If you want some incredible thinspo, you should click on that "My Thinspiration." tag up there. Thanks.
So browsing through Tumblr, I've noticed a lot of girls doing these Ana Surveys, and I'm bored as fuck so, Ima do one. K.
Current Weight: 121.4 pounds.
Highest Weight: 149 pounds.
Lowest Weight: 121.4 pounds.
Goal Weight: There's a bunch but I really want to be 115 soon.
Favorite Binge Food? Oh heavens, anything fattening. Anything sweet and sticky and yummy and crunchy. Basic bulimic binge foods: cupcakes, chips, chocolate, candy, ice cream (I actually enjoy purging icecream. I know that's bad, but idk.. it's fun to me.) pizza is INCREDIBLE. cookies mmmm. cheese.. ugh this is bad.
Favorite Exercise? Just simple calisthenics. Im not much of an over-exerciser to be honest.
What Makes You Slip Up? Really good food that other people are expecting me to eat.
What Makes You Strong? When I think about being my goal weight. And when I see a lower number in the morning.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? On a fast day, I won't go over 100. But on non-fasting days, over 500 scares me.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? Some one who's come a long way, and still has far to go. Some one who's getting happier everyday.
Are You In A Relationship? No. I've never been in one.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? Before this started, I was definately the fat one. But I'm actually skinnier than my best friend now. That makes me SO happy because I stopped eating because I wanted to look like her.
Are You Depressed? No, I don't think I'm despressed. Just very lonely.
Ever Been To A Psychologist? Yes, I have.
Are You On Any Medication? multivitamins? I take biotin for my hair?
I AM -
[] anorexic
[x] ednos
[] bulimic (I have bulimic tendencies...)
[x] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] eating something
[] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[x] participating in a fast
[x] vegan(trying to be)
[] losing weight healthily
PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me
I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100lb
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[x] I could stop being ana/mia
[x] I had a boy/girlfriend
[] I could disappear
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
I HATE -
[] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[x] being single
[] wearing short skirts
[x] being/feeling fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[] fat people. Are you kidding? I hate skinny bitches.
I NEED -
[x] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[x] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10lbs
So browsing through Tumblr, I've noticed a lot of girls doing these Ana Surveys, and I'm bored as fuck so, Ima do one. K.
Current Weight: 121.4 pounds.
Highest Weight: 149 pounds.
Lowest Weight: 121.4 pounds.
Goal Weight: There's a bunch but I really want to be 115 soon.
Favorite Binge Food? Oh heavens, anything fattening. Anything sweet and sticky and yummy and crunchy. Basic bulimic binge foods: cupcakes, chips, chocolate, candy, ice cream (I actually enjoy purging icecream. I know that's bad, but idk.. it's fun to me.) pizza is INCREDIBLE. cookies mmmm. cheese.. ugh this is bad.
Favorite Exercise? Just simple calisthenics. Im not much of an over-exerciser to be honest.
What Makes You Slip Up? Really good food that other people are expecting me to eat.
What Makes You Strong? When I think about being my goal weight. And when I see a lower number in the morning.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? On a fast day, I won't go over 100. But on non-fasting days, over 500 scares me.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? Some one who's come a long way, and still has far to go. Some one who's getting happier everyday.
Are You In A Relationship? No. I've never been in one.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? Before this started, I was definately the fat one. But I'm actually skinnier than my best friend now. That makes me SO happy because I stopped eating because I wanted to look like her.
Are You Depressed? No, I don't think I'm despressed. Just very lonely.
Ever Been To A Psychologist? Yes, I have.
Are You On Any Medication? multivitamins? I take biotin for my hair?
I AM -
[] anorexic
[x] ednos
[] bulimic (I have bulimic tendencies...)
[x] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] eating something
[] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[x] participating in a fast
[x] vegan(trying to be)
[] losing weight healthily
PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me
I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100lb
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[x] I could stop being ana/mia
[x] I had a boy/girlfriend
[] I could disappear
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
I HATE -
[] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[x] being single
[] wearing short skirts
[x] being/feeling fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[] fat people. Are you kidding? I hate skinny bitches.
I NEED -
[x] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[x] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10lbs
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Human.
The day after tomorrow is my 17th birthday. I should be ecstatic. I should be inviting friends to a party. I should be planning the perfect outfit. But all Ana's letting me do is stress about how much I will weigh that morning. To Ana, it's not a birthday. To her, it's just another day. Another 24 hours to lose a pound or more. When I started this, I weighed 149 pounds...
Just typing that number pains me. How I let myself get that way, I will never understand, nor will I ever forgive myself for it. Today I am 122.2 pounds. Holy Moley... It's been a long road, but we're no where near finished. Those are the words going through my mind everytime I think "Wow, I look really good. Maybe I should stop. Before it's too late."
"No," she says, harshly, diminishing that one glimmer of hope for recovery. "We're no where near finished. Not yet. Five more pounds."
I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been on a date. I've never really been the love interest of anyone but drunk bastards at parties. I think that's why I stopped eating.
Let's see, a life story. An autobiography from July 14, 1995 til today. I was born in Reno. I don't remember living there. I moved to Las Vegas when I was about five. Life there was horrible. On top of being chubby, having a gorgeous best friend, low self-esteem, and being practically invisible, I lived with a bi-polar, abusive, manipulative, liquor-addicted closet fag known as my biological father. As far as I'm concerned, any sickness in my brain, any body dismorphic issues I present root from that man. But I guess I'll talk more about him later.
When I was 16, my mother married a child. Five kids who loathe him, a business that went to complete shit, a spoiled, self-obsessed child. A pathetic, shriveled, cowardly excuse for a human being. Let's not talk about him. Anyway, I then moved to California.
If you're wondering why my "bio" is so short, it's because I've never really had a life. Hard to believe that a person who has spent 17 years on this earth has nothing to show for it, isn't it?
I've always wanted to be pretty. I've always wanted boys to like me. What girl doesn't? But over the years of watching skinny dumb bitches reel in fantastic catches, and wondering what could possibly be wrong with me, I went through the list:
I cut my hair. Big Mistake. I was called a lesbian for a year and a half.
I changed my style. Many times. From emo, to scene, to preppy, to punk rock, to hippie. No dice.
I changed my personality. Well maybe I was just too interesting? ;) I began talking quieter, blushing more, talking about the Jonas Brothers, things that girls around me were always doing. The things that made me alienate myself from them. Didn't work.
Finally I decided to look in the mirror... I was 5'6" and nearly 150 pounds. I suddenly disgusted myself. It all made sense.. That's when I met Ana.
People don't care if skinny girls are weird. It's cute. They don't care if skinny girls are awkward. It's adorable. If skinny girls are cold, they get hot boys' jackets. If they eat a plate of nachos people think "Thank God she's eating that," instead of "wow she really should've had a salad." And when I finally do meet a boy, and when he starts talking to me, when I tell him I've never been on a date, he'll be suprised: "No way. But, you're so gorgeous." I can't wait for that day.
Ana is my best friend now. We spend every waking moment together. She makes me pretty. She wants me to find a relationship. Her only purpose in this life is to make me beautiful and free of my addiction to food.
This hasn't been easy. I've failed. I've cheated. I've purged. I've lied to people I love. I've pushed the few friends I did have away. But in a sick way, it's all been worth it. Somehow, my twisted mess of a mind is happy with this. Without Ana, who am I? No one. Just a chubby girl who's never been given a damn about.
That's not me. And Ana understand that. I have dreams. I have ambitions. I want to be a singer. And an actress. And a model. And a designer. And I want to be some one's thinspiration.
I want my picture circulating through the Pro Ana/ thinspiration tags on Tumblr. Sick, isn't it? My entire goal is just to be worshiped. For people to be in awe of me..
How Human of me.
Just typing that number pains me. How I let myself get that way, I will never understand, nor will I ever forgive myself for it. Today I am 122.2 pounds. Holy Moley... It's been a long road, but we're no where near finished. Those are the words going through my mind everytime I think "Wow, I look really good. Maybe I should stop. Before it's too late."
"No," she says, harshly, diminishing that one glimmer of hope for recovery. "We're no where near finished. Not yet. Five more pounds."
I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been on a date. I've never really been the love interest of anyone but drunk bastards at parties. I think that's why I stopped eating.
Let's see, a life story. An autobiography from July 14, 1995 til today. I was born in Reno. I don't remember living there. I moved to Las Vegas when I was about five. Life there was horrible. On top of being chubby, having a gorgeous best friend, low self-esteem, and being practically invisible, I lived with a bi-polar, abusive, manipulative, liquor-addicted closet fag known as my biological father. As far as I'm concerned, any sickness in my brain, any body dismorphic issues I present root from that man. But I guess I'll talk more about him later.
When I was 16, my mother married a child. Five kids who loathe him, a business that went to complete shit, a spoiled, self-obsessed child. A pathetic, shriveled, cowardly excuse for a human being. Let's not talk about him. Anyway, I then moved to California.
If you're wondering why my "bio" is so short, it's because I've never really had a life. Hard to believe that a person who has spent 17 years on this earth has nothing to show for it, isn't it?
I've always wanted to be pretty. I've always wanted boys to like me. What girl doesn't? But over the years of watching skinny dumb bitches reel in fantastic catches, and wondering what could possibly be wrong with me, I went through the list:
I cut my hair. Big Mistake. I was called a lesbian for a year and a half.
I changed my style. Many times. From emo, to scene, to preppy, to punk rock, to hippie. No dice.
I changed my personality. Well maybe I was just too interesting? ;) I began talking quieter, blushing more, talking about the Jonas Brothers, things that girls around me were always doing. The things that made me alienate myself from them. Didn't work.
Finally I decided to look in the mirror... I was 5'6" and nearly 150 pounds. I suddenly disgusted myself. It all made sense.. That's when I met Ana.
People don't care if skinny girls are weird. It's cute. They don't care if skinny girls are awkward. It's adorable. If skinny girls are cold, they get hot boys' jackets. If they eat a plate of nachos people think "Thank God she's eating that," instead of "wow she really should've had a salad." And when I finally do meet a boy, and when he starts talking to me, when I tell him I've never been on a date, he'll be suprised: "No way. But, you're so gorgeous." I can't wait for that day.
Ana is my best friend now. We spend every waking moment together. She makes me pretty. She wants me to find a relationship. Her only purpose in this life is to make me beautiful and free of my addiction to food.
This hasn't been easy. I've failed. I've cheated. I've purged. I've lied to people I love. I've pushed the few friends I did have away. But in a sick way, it's all been worth it. Somehow, my twisted mess of a mind is happy with this. Without Ana, who am I? No one. Just a chubby girl who's never been given a damn about.
That's not me. And Ana understand that. I have dreams. I have ambitions. I want to be a singer. And an actress. And a model. And a designer. And I want to be some one's thinspiration.
I want my picture circulating through the Pro Ana/ thinspiration tags on Tumblr. Sick, isn't it? My entire goal is just to be worshiped. For people to be in awe of me..
How Human of me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)