Oli Sykes going deeper ;D

Holy shit, where have I been.. Well, I last posted on the 24th of August, I believe. Since then, let's see. M and I haven't gone anywhere. I'm not sure he's that into me afterall. I'm back to 127.4. But I'm starting my two-week cran-cleanse today so, hopefully I'll shed a couple within the next fourteen days.
I have to be skinny by Halloween. I have to. I deserve a slutty Halloween costume, I swear. I got a job. It's at a pizza place. I kinda hate it, but hey, it's money, right?
I don't really know why I'm typing right now. I can feel my eating disorder consuming me. I can feel myself going deeper and deeper, and pretty soon, I don't know if I'll be able to recover. I'm not sure I want to recover. It's not that I like having an eating disorder. I'm just addicted to losing, addicted to the stress, in a way. I'm addicted to the rush of getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Finally having complete control over something.
My body is mine, I can do what I want to it. I want to have long wavy hair. I want to wake up in my undies and hop on the scale, and see 114. I want to slip into some skinny jeans, and throw on a baggy lose band tee. Skip in front of my mirror, and brush on some powder, sweep on some mascara, and smudge on some lipstick. Brush my wavey hair a little, pick up my messenger bag and skip off to school...
That's all I fucking want.
I want to come home from work, strip down, pull on some fishnets, booty shorts, a sparkley bralet and about 5 million bracelets. Throw on some fairy wings, sparley eye shaddow and cat whiskers. Get in the car and drive to a rave and party til I pass out...drink til I'm dead. Dance all night til I can't feel my legs....party til we pass out.. drink til we're dead... DANCE ALL FUCKING NIIIIIIIIIGHGHTHTHHAJHDKAJHFDK... you know that song..? no? ..oh.
Go to the thinspo tab. Go.. you went? You saw? that's what I fucking want.

Lucy Fry

Last night, my friend came over. His name starts with an M, too, sooo... We're calling him M. I didn't like like him when I first met him, but now I think I like like him... Oh and we had sex. In my jacuzzi. While my mom was sleeping. Yeah. I really like him. And he really likes me. So we'll keep dating but, I can't call him my boyfriend yet. But I'm really happy.
He wants to bake with me. He wants to cook me a dinner and then bake a fantastic desert together. He's talking about Red Velvet Cake Balls and Lemon Squares and (brace yourself) CHOCOLATE MAYONAISE CAKE. 0.0 Is that not the freakiest thing you've ever red? I want to THROW UP just looking at the name of it, oh my god. I'll bake with him, but I wont eat anything.
Speaking of baking and not eating, I baked an entire batch of cookies yesterday. Now, I'm going to be honest to you, loves, I did taste things here and there... And I might have had one cookie. But that's FAR LESS than I did before. Far less. I am very proud of myself. Furthermore, the deliciously looking freshly-baked cookies are sitting out on the kitchen counter as we speak, and I have not touched one. Not one :)
I am so proud of myself. I just go out to get water and my dailey meal of 1 rice cake and three pickles and I don't touch them :) You have no idea how good I feel about that.
Oh, I have found a new thinspo. Lucy Fry.

DOZ COLLARBONEZ. Oh lawd.

 

She's absolutely perfect. Look at her. I saw her on TV and that's what made me not get a cookie so, thank you, Lucy Fry. 

124. punk.bitches.

I am...so ridiculously happy to be back under 125. Hopefully, by the end of this week, I'll be at least 120. BRING IT ON. I'm sticking to the "Secret Between Friends" diet for now. I need more pro ana. I need it. I'm becoming obsessed with it. I'm looking up thinspo upon thinspo upon Ana Doc upon Ana Doc. To the point where I'm getting pissed because I've seen basically all of them. Like omfg why can't they make more.
It's so strange that I went into this rationally. I was one of those stupid annoying bitches that was all up on the interwebz sayin' "i W4NN4 B3 4N4 LOLZ G!MM3 Pr0-4N4 t!pz plzzzzz!!" Well, I mean.. I didn't start off thinking I was being rational. I didn't start off as just another dieter. I researched Anorexia. Thuroughly. I researched tips and starting up. I WANTED to be anorexic. How sick is that. How disgusting was I. I'm one of those horrid girls on tumblr giving out tips and looking for Ana buddies and accepting this as a lifestyle, not a disease. I glorify it. I love my eating disorder. Curse me. Shame on me. But I love it. I love being weak. I love blacking out. I love losing weight. I love having a terrible secret.
I am Pro-Ana. For myself. I don't know. I don't want other girls to feel this way. I don't want other girls to starve. I know what I'm doing to myself is wrong... But, at the same time, if one of you asked my for advice on how to starve or purge or hide things... I'd help you. Because I don't want to be a hypocrite.

Fuck. I'm evil. I am evil. I hate this disorder because I love it. I hate this disorder because I want to perfect it. I want a perfect my eating disorder so badly. I want perfect bones. I want to be thinspiration.
I want my boyfriend to become protective of me because of how fragile I am. I want to make people sad. And evious. I want to be as light as a feather. I want to walk down a street knowing I'm the thinnest girl there. I want to be the smallest girl at work. I want to be weak and vulnerable.

watch me. I'll get there.

Watching Fat People Sneeze is HILARIOUS.

THIS. DIET. ROCKS. I know it's only been two days, but I went from 127 to 125.5 in two days!! I'm only 4.5 pounds away from my second goal weight of 120!! I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday I was trying to get into my classes for college. Hard as FUCK. There are like 30 people waiting for each class. Ridiculous. But, anyway, TODAAAY I finally got my add code to get into a Guidance 101 class... which is basically "How to Start Out in College and NOT Become a Huge Freshman Fuck-Up and Dishonor Your Entire Family for Eternity...101."
As far as Ana goes, I'm feeling really really good about it. It's SO much easier to not eat now because I'm running around for college and job hunting. Now all I need is a car and a gym membership. Speaking of job hunting, I applied at a pizza place near my house. I used the ol' Sparkley Red Push-Up Bra and Tight Jeans on 'em. And he seemed to really like me ;) I've heard it's easy to work around food without eating it, so I really hope I get this job... The guy I talked to totes wants to fuck me, so I'm almost sure I'll get it.
So, right now, I'm kinda winding down. Watching Here Comes Honey-BooBoo for some...excellent fatspo. How do you guys feel about "Fatspo" or "Reverse Thinspo"? If you don't know what it is, it's basically pictures of people you don't want to look like (fat, ugly bitches). It's designed, I imagine, to make you realize that if you eat, you'll eventually look like that. A sort of "you-dont-want-this-do-you" sort of thing, if you will. Honestly, it works for me. I might be going to Hell for this, but, when I look at those people, it just reassures the EVIL that I know food to be.
I wrote a list of everything wrong with my body i.e. Love Handles, Arm Fat, Back Fat, Thighs Touching, Flabby Tummy. Uck. It's motivating to say the very least. You know what else is motivating? Hot boys that like me. FINALLY.
I want to be skinny for this one boy we'll call M. He's AMAZING. And his body.. ugh. He told me he works out til he throws up. I'm like "Sweetie, you shouldn't over-exercise, it's bad for you." Then I was like ... Ellie, you run til you throw up all the time. So, I guess I shouldn't be saying anything. But if I have any reason to get skinny.. it's this boy. So, I'm also using him for motivation. I have a lot of methods. I drew pink lines around my wrist, like a permanent bracelet, around both wrists. I drew a little pink dragonfly on one of them for my "Ana Bracelets." It works pretty well :)


eating isn't very CHANEL.

Anyway, I'm dying my hair back to my natural brunette. I'll be more sultry this way... ;) I'll be like those gorgeous skinny, long-haired brunettes you see on your thinspo. I'll get to wear tiny ripped up jean shorts and pretty bralets. I'll dance around and smoke ciggies and flirt and sing and boys will like it. They'll like me. They'll kiss me. They'll help me when I'm drunk.
I'll be the "cute pizza factory counter girl." I'll get to wear big sweaters... I'll get to jump on boys... I'll get to be adorable without trying.

You're Not Alone by Saosin

This is going to be short because I'm in the middle of a breakdown right now. I've just watched the film "A Secret Between Friends." This isn't a good thing to be doing on the night before my first day of college... fuck I guess it's 1 am huh.. Well anyway.
The song in the title? It came on as I was looking in the mirror naked, as I've grown used to doing night after night, hour after hour when I can't sleep. I broke down.
The guy I went to the beach with? Hasn't texted me since.
I was too fat. I was too fat for him, I know it. I KNOW IT. He took one look at me and decided I wasn't good enough. The only reason he kissed me is he felt SORRY FOR THE WHALE. It was a pitty date, he knew I was in love with him before. I was stupid to think he could love a 126 POUND COW LIKE ME. 
What was I saying? Oh, yes, "A Secret Between Friends." Well, I certainly recommend this film for parents of teenaged girls and friends of potential Anas. But for Anas themselves, well, let's just say it triggered this breakdown along with "You're Not Alone." The co-star in the film, Jen, she's the PERSONIFICATION of Ana. For sure. Giving some pretty good tips.
For example, when the main character was in recovery, she discussed her daily calorie intake with the nutritionist and she had a pretty solid diet:
Breakfast: Water or tea.
Morning Snack: Gum
Lunch: One cracker and some pickles or carrots and water or diet coke.
Afternoon Snack: Gum.
Dinner: Salad or raw veggies.

I think I can do that. Fuck, I've tried everything else. And I'm nothing if not DESPERATE to be under 120 by September. That's 11 days away. Today marks the first day of college. Let's get pretty!
Well, ladies and gents, I'm gonna wipe these tears away and wakeup nice and empty tomorrow <3 TOODLIES :)

Disco.

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I'm officially a wanorexic. I fucked up on my Ana Camp... I went to actual camp and all my family packed was cookies and peanut m&ms. I didn't gain too much tho.. But today's definately a green tea day... maybe tomorrow too.

I need to get into that gym so I hope that lady calls back soon, I can't wait to set foot on a tredmill and run until I can't breathe. My belly's looking flatter, that's perhaps because I haven't eaten in a while. I fucking suck at this. I might as well just fast. I've got the teapot on the stove so hopefully my huge fucking thighs will keep me motivated.
My mom's being a fucking cunt this morning, as usual. It's SUMMER VACATION and she insists I get up at five AM. And you know what, getting up at 5 wouldn't be horrible if she actually had something for me to do, like chores or work or something. But no. She just wakes me up so I'll be up. It's like "Bitch, let me sleep. It's the last week of summer, on Monday, I'll be thrown to the college hounds, just let me fucking sleep in while I can." Her and her fucking husband are really REALLY getting on my nerves. They need to leave me the fuck alone..
Anyway, so about college... I'm really excited. I'm going to a community college. The name sounds kinda ghetto but it's not I hope. On Monday I'm supposed to sit into a bunch of classes and ask the professor to squeeze me in at the end. Sounds like an easy day right? Wrong. I'm so afraid of rejection. That's why I hate job hunting. It's so simple, right? Just ask for a manager and ask for a job opening, right? Not for me. I'm so afraid that they'll say "um no." Or "we're not hiring, sorry." And then I'll have to walk away trying to be cool about it and everyone will see. It's so embarassing. I guess that's how Ana came into my life, huh, being afraid of rejection. People reject people who are fat and who aren't beautiful. I didn't want to be rejected like I was so much in middle school. When I was fat.
My peppermint green tea is done :) hot hot. I feel so skinny when I drink tea. There's this tea, Celestial Berry Tea. Whenever I make it, the smell reminds me of Ana. I think it's because it was the first tea I ever had to keep myself from eating. I think tea is the best meal substitute.
I need to surround myself with pro ana again. The only problem with that is I'm afraid mymother will find out... fuck it I'm moving out. My grandpa told me I should move out because I told him that all my mother cares about is her stupid husband and buying things that dead people owned.
Hm. well it's 9:21 AM  right now so I guess I have nothing to report. If I think of anything anorexic-y, I'll add it ;)

the itsy bitsy Ana

So yesterday was incredible. I went on my very first date. A real date. With a real boy. He took me to the beach. I was so nervous. I know what you're thinking: "the beach? like with bikinis? ohmygosh you poor fat little girl." And you're absolutely right. He didn't seem too disgusted with my body while we were in the ocean. But while we were sunbathing...
I don't know, he kept touching me, like all over my tummy. Kill me. I did feel a teeeeensey bit better when he grabbed onto my hipbone tho... I felt thin. Sortof. And we kissed a little. I love the beach. And I loved being there with an actual boy, finally. I remember being at the beach before and seeing those thin girls with boys. But now I was one of those girls...a fat version, but one of them nonetheless!
I felt pretty. For the first time in my life without stripping on Skype for random men, I actually felt pretty.
But it all turned to shit. I woke up from that gorgeous dream this morning when I weighed myself. 127.
127.

127.

Fuck. So now I'm drinking my Ana tea (the Celestial Wild Berry) and my smart water in hopes of losing it. I asked my mother for a new bathroom scale and a gym membership. I need to run these pounds off. It's killin me to think about how much skinnier I could be by now if I could go to the gym once in a flippin' while. Well my friend David just got a car :D I can shamelessly use him fuckyeah.
Okay so, gym: done; school: done; boy: kinda done; car: ... ; job: ... ; CARELESSLY GAINING SIX POUNDS LIKE A FAT FUCKING FAGGOT: DEFINATELY DONE.

gymgymgymgymgymgymgymgym I need to run. I need to run. I need to run. If I dont run I'll get fat. If I get fat I'll die. I'll surely get fat and die. I need to die skinny. I can't die fat. I have to die skinny. Fragile, wrapped in Ana's arms, I will go from this world.
By the time I'm finished with this first semester of college, I want to be underweight, that's 114 atleast. I will be pretty. I will be tiny. Itsy bitsy.

the itsy bitsy Ana
gave up the need to eat
down came her weight
it swept her off her feet.
out came her bones
to shine for all to see
and the itsy bitsy Ana
was finally happy.

I wrote that bitches. If you steal it, there will be Hell to pay. Make sure you cite my blog ;) <3