Holy shit, where have I been.. Well, I last posted on the 24th of August, I believe. Since then, let's see. M and I haven't gone anywhere. I'm not sure he's that into me afterall. I'm back to 127.4. But I'm starting my two-week cran-cleanse today so, hopefully I'll shed a couple within the next fourteen days.
I have to be skinny by Halloween. I have to. I deserve a slutty Halloween costume, I swear. I got a job. It's at a pizza place. I kinda hate it, but hey, it's money, right?
I don't really know why I'm typing right now. I can feel my eating disorder consuming me. I can feel myself going deeper and deeper, and pretty soon, I don't know if I'll be able to recover. I'm not sure I want to recover. It's not that I like having an eating disorder. I'm just addicted to losing, addicted to the stress, in a way. I'm addicted to the rush of getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Finally having complete control over something.
My body is mine, I can do what I want to it. I want to have long wavy hair. I want to wake up in my undies and hop on the scale, and see 114. I want to slip into some skinny jeans, and throw on a baggy lose band tee. Skip in front of my mirror, and brush on some powder, sweep on some mascara, and smudge on some lipstick. Brush my wavey hair a little, pick up my messenger bag and skip off to school...
That's all I fucking want.
I want to come home from work, strip down, pull on some fishnets, booty shorts, a sparkley bralet and about 5 million bracelets. Throw on some fairy wings, sparley eye shaddow and cat whiskers. Get in the car and drive to a rave and party til I pass out...drink til I'm dead. Dance all night til I can't feel my legs....party til we pass out.. drink til we're dead... DANCE ALL FUCKING NIIIIIIIIIGHGHTHTHHAJHDKAJHFDK... you know that song..? no? ..oh.
Go to the thinspo tab. Go.. you went? You saw? that's what I fucking want.
